Saturday, December 31, 2005

A look back and moving forward

What is it about New Years that causes such reminiscing? I guess commercialism can really have an impact on the patterns of the brain.

Looking back in the tradition I would have to say that 2005 has been one of the more eventful years so far for me.

Having Peet gone, back to the Army, not by choice, has been one of those experience that causes trauma, therefore growth in life. I really have tried in his absence to take a look at myself, good, bad and indifferent. What do I love about myself, what needs to change and what is just there and always will be?

This year has brought some experience such as finally getting to E3, something Peet and I had talked about for years. I have traveled to CA more this year than I have in sometime.

10 year high school reunion, really allowed to me to see what a growth and changes I have been through since high school. Having been with Peet since High school, sometimes it is hard to really see how much time has really gone by, and how much we have truly grown. Seeing some who had not seen my since High School, was a refreshing experience. To be able to stand proud and strong among peers who had such a grasp on my self confidence in younger days. It was a liberating experience to say the least.

2005 also allowed my to connect to some people in my life who although they had been present were not in the position they are now. Forming bonds with others is one thing I truly treasure, the experience that get banked for those interactions in my minds are priceless. Among life personal relationships are among the highest rated things to have and share in my book. Something you might have picked up previously, though not directly stated. I love finding a person that shares somethings in common, but differs on others, creates endless opportunities for conversation, one of my other favorite things.

2005 will be one of those years that never fades. Some years have been uneventful, though with Peet and I, not too many of them simply slide through, but the events and discoveries I have had this year, have been a turning point for me and those will never be forgotten.

Looking forward to 2006:
What do I hope for the year?
I hope that the people who mean the most to me, take the chances needed to bring them the happiness they deserve.
I hope that health and wealth are brought to those deserving and willing to work for them.
I hope that my children will have every opportunity to grown and learn I can provide for them.
I hope that love touches all those in my life, those without will find it one way this year, and those with love, will rekindle a flame bright and strong.
I hope that I can make a difference in one person's life in a way they never thought I could, and in a way I never expected to be of assistance.
I hope that I meet 1 person who helps me become a better person in someway.
I hope that I can share something I have learned with another.

I hope that I can find a way for 123 days to pass so I can see my husband, there is only one thing I want more than for May 3 to come and that would be for November. I can only mark one day off the calendar at a time.

Monday, December 19, 2005

Great Quote

I came across a quote while surfing today. It is by no means a work of literary excellence, but more of an eye opener to the way we live modern life. Simply written, but deeply meaning.

"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, martini in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming, "WOO HOO what a ride!"

I often feel that people live life too cautiously, afraid that they might make a mistake or ruin that perfect life in someway. I feel if you are not taking any chances ever, physically , mentally or emotionally, you can not possibly be living life to the fullest. The timid rarely experience the bountiful life the brave do.

Now not to say throw all caution to the wind, there is courage and then there is carelessness . I just think more people in the world today need to be less afraid of staying on the path, the 5 year plan, and get out there and live a little. I plan like nobodies business. But give me an exciting opportunity, might not be the "Best" idea but will offer something to experience, I might just be the first in line.

We are not meant to remain unscathed individuals, our bodies and minds are meant to grow stronger through use, that is just the way it is. We learn from our mistakes mentally, our bodies toughen with repeated injury, we emotionally grow through pain and joy.

When I die I hope that the scars tell a story of the adventures I've had, that the list of those who knew me grew with each passing year, and that my heart and mind where made useful to all those who needed.

Please, don't live your life afraid to take the next step, to try something new, for fear of pain or loss. To many writers have commented before, and I feel cliche upon cliche coming on so here I will end with just simply this.

If the most exciting thing you have done was a child, go out and do something.
If the best years of your life were High School, change that.
If you have not truly experienced love, put yourself out there.
Fear not what life holds for you, but instead fear what life you let slip by.
-Liz Cooper

Tuesday, December 06, 2005

In Limbo

Limbo, as in the colloquial reference, not the dance. The holding pattern status in modern English that has derived from the catholic theory of purgatory.

I feel that my days are filled and time passes, but there is no reflection of it in my life. I feel like a hamster on a wheel, that I can run and run, but there is no destination I will make it to.

I am a great project person, I love to work something until it is done and move quickly to the next task to keep up momentum. Most of my projects have been involved with in someway related to Peet, his education, career, us moving, trip to E3, all very centered around him.

It it almost like I am a agent but I have no one to manage. With Peet in the military there is no point in pursuing things because he has so long to be there still that anything would be irrelevant upon his return.

Now let me say this and get it clear so there are no misunderstandings. Yes my world revolves around Peet, but it is by choice and I enjoy it, most of the time :)

There was a point when after we had our house fire and Peet lost so much of his art, that I became the provider in our home. He needed to focus on his art and that was our priority.

By choice, with respect of his talent and for the benefit of everyone is this household. I choose long ago that Peet's talent could not be wasted, that no matter what it meant, I would do everything I could to make sure he got all the opportunities he deserved or desired.

Hell, I have his website vinyl across the back of my car. I don't think I could do much more to get people to see his art, but if you got any idead let me know.

I love Peet, but beyond that I respect that talent he has, the mind creating behind it, and the passion he has to create and produce something original in the world.

He has given me everything and I have done all I can to help him to get the places he wants to go. I will continue to do anything and everything. It is the role I play in this world. Some people design things, some people produce things, others manage things.

I am happy in my role in life and grateful that it has been provided for me, by the man I love and respect more than anyone in the world. It is not always easy and sure there are times that I feel like I have lost my individuality. But everyone is entitled to question there decisions on a bad day. When it all comes about, I cherish what I am able to provide to Peet and the satisfaction it gives me to do so. I fear the days when he is much more established, that he will have a staff to care for all these matters and I will no longer be needed.

The cycle from which my life has spun for the last 9 years or so, has been drastically changed. We were always working on the next thing, what was are next move to be, what did we need to accomplish to get there? Now all I can do it wait.

For now I cycle in limbo, awaiting the time when I shall be called again. Ready and waiting.

Thursday, December 01, 2005

Saw it on a sign

Today is a gift, that's why they call it the present.

Struck me, so I thought I would share. Don't spend your life waiting for the future. Be sure to enjoy today. The day you are waiting for may never come. Worse even, by the time you get there, you might no longer want it, and only be able to see all the days you wasted trying to get there.

Life is precious, respect it.


How many of you have made a conscience sacrifice in return for something which in your opinion was worth it?

How did you determine the worth of the sacrifice in relation to the reward? Would you sacrifice if the reward was dependant on someone else providing the reward or only if only involved yourself?

I always wonder how thoroughly people think through the reward vs sacrifice ratio before making a decision to give something up. There are those choices that are easier to change before made than after, especially when someone other than yourself is involved.

The seed is which this thought has grown is personal freedom. I have been trying to figure out how far down the line do people really look, when making a decision to hand personal freedoms over to the government. Do people look beyond the immediate future into the long term and what those rights in the government hands can mean for their lives later? Do people really know what they are giving up?

I can understand people being scared into compromising from fear and the longing for a feeling of security. Have people really lost their ability to look past today and see the results of the decisions we make today on the future of tomorrow?

It seems to be an inevitable process that the youth of today will be undoing the mistake made in the past?

Which brings me to if we could see the results on the future would we still make the same choices? Are the choices we make based on logic or emotion? Do we change what we thought or did we not think it through?

I hope to be able to enlighten, but not bring indecisiveness. For almost worse than making a bad decision is not making one at all. I would rather see people vote for the poor candidate than not to vote at all. Don't let things be handed to you, be sure to do all you can to have a voice.

Summary: Have an opinion, use it wisely.

Wednesday, November 30, 2005

Progress of the subconscious

How do certain people progress, evolve per say. Then others stay completely the same? Why do some question and other are completely content?

The issue of religion has often brought me to this question. Why did God if he exists, make it easier for some to believe than others? I being of scientific and inquisitive mind will always have a harder time believing than the more simple minded person. Those who do not by nature require explanation and proof.

The subconscious mind is thought to be responsible for the underlying thought reflected in our everyday reactions, decision making and emotions. The ability to change what lies in your subconscious, or at times to even acknowledge the very existence of it, are feats beyond most people's grasp.

How do random scientific processes explain why some evolve and grow and others remain unchanged? Is it the presence of challenge, adversity? Do we as humans only grow under terms of pressure or crisis?

Is there a scientific explanation for IQ? IQ is the measurement of your ability to learn, not what you know or are capable to learn. It is meant to actually measure the relation to others of your age range your cognitive ability. Basically how efficiently your brain performs in relation to others your age.

Subconscious can be defined as an accounting of events and aspects of events which we are not directly aware of. IQ is how effectively our brain processes functions. So how do the functions relate to one another? Are there any direct relations between IQ and subconscious health. Does genius really make you crazy? Does having an analytical nature eventually overpower your ability to function in society?

Again, questions, many will always remain unanswered, but still they are there. Anyone know where questions like this come from?

Sunday, November 27, 2005


My thoughts have been racing lately regarding the idea of Karma, paying into the system per say.

I have always thought in one way or another, that in life you get what you are willing to work for, life doesn't hand you anything. But in that same breath I would also say that if you are well intentioned and good to your fellow man, the time will come when the favor is returned. That being I said I do mean well intentioned, not doing something in direct relation to expecting something back. I mean doing something for the pure kindness or compassion you can show, nothing expected.

I have been pondering lately though a variant of this issue. Peet and I are one of those miracle couples as people may put it. We are opposites but share a great love, we have endured many hard times and catastrophes together. We are both passionate so when we fight watch out, but the same passion spills into our everyday love as well.

Now how does that relate to the Karma issue, well, my thought has been this. Do Peet and I have to repeatedly have to pay into the Karma system to get in return the great love and achievement we have shared? Is it lives system of checks and balance that keeps our lives in a constant roller coaster cycle?

Our relationship went through a miraculous recovery following years of constant separation. From Peet going to the military, then to Full Sail, then onto a job that completely overworked him, we were growing apart. It was not out of loss of love on either side, but a tremendous amount of time in the same living space but not really any amount of quality time. The addition in that time of 2 girls, making 3 kids total, also distracted from the time our relationship needed, but happy ending awaits as we recovered. We pin pointed the problems and made efforts needed to correct them.

Life moves forward a few months, things are looking to be getting really good, relationship is happy, kids are doing great, Peet is looking for alternate employment and optimism is abound in our household again, life was good. Then the day comes where we received orders calling Peet back to the military in 30 days. WHOA, what happened???

Things have had that kind of path for us repeatedly in our lives together, we struggle to get somewhere, suffer through the process, get there or remarkably close, just for something to happen and life presents another challenge.

I do have to say that when life's challenges are presented, the suffering through always is worth it in the end, the rewards have always been great. It can be an extremely tiring process though. It almost seems as if life will never be smooth sailing for any amount of time with us.

Do we suffer a multitude of challenges because of our pairing, or 2 strong passionate people such as ourselves cosmically putting the system to test?

Then there is the thought that after all this time, with the few problems we have endured at that point did we become so used to facing challenges that we feel compelled to put life to the test? Do we take a dive into this situation knowing we are tough enough to endure whatever may come our way?

This is one of those questions that is not meant to have an answer, but still is worth asking in my opinion.

I would do anything for Peet, and him for me. That has been proven time and time again, and never needs to be questioned. No matter how close we have gone to the edge, we are always there to pull each up again.

All in all, we have had a pretty exciting ride. Some parts not so pleasant, but what life is always peaches and roses?

While digging for all my Christmas decorations today, I came across an unmarked box, so I opened it. Sat on the floor of my attic for the next 90 minutes pulling out little pieces of Peet's and my life. Photos, awards, old comics, drawings, card from birthdays. It was one of the best things I could have had happen to me today. It is so hard to be without Peet during the holidays, but that box helped remind me of how much joy we have had, the love that we share and made me look even more forward to our future together.

So to pull this all together, even if loving Peet means I will put to the test time and time again, I fear not. For with Peet by my side I can not, nor will not fail. We are ying and yang. Opposite with weakness alone, but complete and strong together.

Saturday, November 26, 2005

Black Friday

Well after awakening my girls at midnight and driving to our local Circuit City. We arrived to our first wait in line in the wee hours of the morning on the day after Thanksgiving experience. Arrival time 12:10 am November 26th, store opens 5am. I thought we would be among the first few to get there, WRONG. When I got there 40 people were already camped in front of the store, but at this point we were there and why not?

I want to first share this above all else, my experience was great, people were kind and very helpful, the people surrounding me in the line, made this experience fun. Somebody moved from the spots right in front of the store to let me park there so the girls could sleep in that car while I waited, so they were like 10 feet from me, that was great. I had brought extra chairs which I shared with everyone. People made runs to 7-11 for coffee and the such. It was a great environment. Come 4:45 when they came out and started passing out vouchers for the big ticket items, it was not as fun, I did not get the laptop I sat out all night for.

I can say though that even as I pulled away from the store at 4:50 am, it was not a waste of time. I got a great night talking with people I didn't know, experienced a buzz of holiday shopping, and really got a reminder that not everyone is just out for themselves. All in all a great night, a fun experience and one I might do again, if Peet was home, and they girls could stay in bed.

The utter ability of people to show kindness and compassion made the trip the experience it was, I could not have left in better mood. Had it been hostile and I got the laptop, or worse hostile and I didn't, I would have not ever wanted to do this again.

I do have to say though the Walmart down the street made CNN for the utter chaos and violence shoppers experienced there the same morning.

I am glad I was part of the group I was, and got to see a few hours where humanity shined.

Thursday, November 24, 2005

My thanks on this day

Thanksgiving this year is a mixed bag. I feel I have so much to be thankful for. I have a wonderful husband, 3 healthy children, and all of my needs have been met in one way or another.
It also leaves in a state of true appreciation for what I do have, not just the average thanks, but true recognition. We have all heard the saying, you don't miss it until it's gone, or distance make the heart grow stronger. It's true.

As much as I love Peet when he's here, his absence creates a true appreciation of him and the things I overlook.

Today was one of those days where his presence was truly missed, and the things he does left me pondering to change or just recreate tradition.

We have tried our hardest in the raising of our children to create traditions. We have moved quite a bit, so the things at home make the holidays special in our family. Long story short, trying to do it all myself, is a lot of work.

Peet and I are different people, in my opinion our children benefit from the different perspectives and manner in which we tackle life. I just feel there are things I didn't really notice as much, because they were a Peet thing. Am I doing them all wrong?

I know long term it will not matter how badly Mom screwed up Dad's tradition and we will all probably laugh about it when the girls are older. One thing I can same I am glad nobody was here to try and watch me drag an 8' foot Christmas tree down the stairs from the attic.

Christmas trees have been Peet's thing. I used to love to decorate the tree growing up. Since Peet and I have come together I have not touched one, as far as decorating it.

I will be fair in saying Peet and I are BOTH perfectionist, there are just different things we tend to care more about.

That being said, the first Christmas Peet and I were in our own place and went to decorate our tree, in his opinion I did it all wrong. I didn't properly balance the color and size of the ornaments to the most visually appealing arrangement. From that point on, I didn't touch it.

Well without him here, I am almost afraid to do it without him. A strange thing, is I always feel like he can still see things. I was careful when moving in to house things how he would like them too, not just me. I don't sleep on his side of the bed, I change the calendar at his desk every month. I do things as if he is still here as much as I can.

I really don't want to completely change the way I live, and get so used to him not being here, that I have to completely change again when he returns.

I would rather be a weirdo, than ever act like he is gone from my life. Now I don't go as far as setting his place at the table or anything, but I do keep up habits that if he was to come home tomorrow it would take very little adjustment.

Peet has been everything to me. He has given me everything. He has taught me to be a better person, and opened my mind to a freedom I never knew. He loved me for who I am , appreciates a good argument and he can always make me laugh.

Well there I go rambling again, but on this Thanksgiving, I thank Peet for all you have given to me physically, mentally and emotionally. I thank Brian, you are such an original, you have reawakened my questioning mind and have a been a great friend whenever Peet or I really needed it. I thank all our friends who have been so supportive, I could not have survived without you. I thank my family for helping me become who I am today. I thank my girls for everyday teaching me to remember that life is more simple than it appears and to find joy in the little things.

To all of you out there in the world, have a very Happy Thanksgiving, and remember always to not look out into the world for what you want, but to look into your life and see everything you have.

In case you wanted to keep up with what Peet's doing

1-120th FA

Wanted to pass on the link to the unit website Peet was attached to. This is where you will be able to see what he is doing, they will update the photos and videos soon, so you can actually see where he is and what his situation is.
Peet is part of the HHS company, so if you click on that link on the left you can see an update from his company commander.

I know not everyone wants to see this, but wanted to make sure those who might that I shared it with you.

Wednesday, November 23, 2005

Wanted to let anyone who was interested, that you can keep up with Photos of my girls at

Puzzle Result

Wanted to let you all know from previous post the puzzle Peet sent me, I solved it. It led to my anniversary gift and I wanted to share it with all of you. All the puzzles led me to this website use the password sequoiastation all one word.

You will get to view my gift. An amazing rendition of me and our 3 girls.

Peet in all the commotion his life has become found the time not only to design and produce this series of puzzles, and collaborate with others to execute this plan, but also to create the drawing it all lead to.

I hope you all can view it with the amazement I did, especially given the circumstances of it's creation.


Nobody else compares to my husband. He is intelligent, articulate, artist and a true original. We are the perfect pair. His art, my technology. His vision with my abilities, nothing is impossible. Together we have survived, accomplished more in such a short time, than many in a lifetime.

I am and will always be grateful for the bond that we share, but in times of separation it makes it all that much harder.

At times, it makes me almost envious of those that don't share the bond we do. They don't miss their spouse nearly as much, other actually enjoy it.

I feel at times as if I am going through a slow torture. Not just for my loneliness, but also what he is going through. Not alone is he away from home with a group of people who just met a few months ago, that he has close to nothing in common with. Not only is he lost his freedom and privacy. Not only does he have to spend 12 hours of each day on patrol in a foreign land, with a walkie talkie attached to be called to the trouble if and when it comes. As if all that isn't enough, he is missing our children as well as me. Not only does he feel the loss of me, but also of our 3 small girls.

I find myself crying, not always for me but also for him. Mine is a pain of the loss of him in a manner, but he has lost his entire life. Home, family, friends, career, all in one sweep. He deserves better, and it hurts me that I can't do anything to give him what he deserves.

True friend

As I said in earlier post, following my high school reunion I drove over to the beach. In high school it was somewhere we visited a bit too much. It was a great place to hide from the cops, while commencing in under age drinking.

So following the official event, we joined up with group who had skipped the formal event and gathered in our old stomping ground.

Well to start off, the road was a lot easier to find before, or so it seemed. I also didn't drive until after high school, so I probably never paid attention. We were all on cell phone wandering down dirt roads trying to find our way. We all finally got the the right place.

Since we had been away, I guess they did not want the nightly visitors, so they chained off parking lot. So the closest place to park was about a mile back.

Well even though I knew I was going to the beach following event, and I remembered my change of clothes, I somehow forgot my change of shoes. So all I had was 3" heels, the best hiking shoes they make.

Well after parking, by the time we get up to the parking lot, my feet are dying. Now the reason this place was so good for underage drinking was it is pain to get to. Other beaches in the area you could just drive up to. This one, Ross' Cove, was a major exception. Even from the parking lot, you had to hike up dirt path to shimmy down a cliff to the beach.

So after managing to get to the parking lot, then up the dirt path, we can't find the path to the ravine you shimmy down the cliff in. At this point my feet are dying, I am giving up. My friend Steve Schoening, who I drove with and have been hanging with all night, starts to feel so bad. He offers my a piggyback ride. I am like down the cliff???

I told him to go on ahead go grab somebody's shoes from the beach and come bring them back to me. He is such a sweetheart and does not wan to leave me there alone. He takes off his shoes and gives them to me. I refuse telling him, now he is in dress socks and his feet will hurt. He says you have been wearing heels since 5pm, when we left it's now 1 am. I will be fine I just have to get down the hill to the beach, so I accept.

Well the beach sucked too. I was freezing and people again were already smashed, and at this point I didn't feel like drinking and having to get up the hill, down the path, to the car and drive back over the hill. Sounded like a very bad idea.

So we are there like an hour and everyone started leaving so we did too. Steve tells me to keep his shoes, that his feet are all dirty and he would not want to put hem back on anyways and ruin them. So he walks up the cliff, down the dirt path, down the road to the car, in a pair of dress socks.

I was so grateful and still am. You know you have a friend when you have not seen them in years, exchanged a few email and talked on the phone a few times, but they will still give you their shoes and brutalize their feet, just to provide you with comfort.

Steve you are the man! A true trooper. I owe you, let me know what can be done to repay the favor.

I hope I can be that person for someone someday. That a simple gesture and willing sacrifice that shows so a level of loyality and compassion, I will be grateful to have been able to pay it forward.


I recently attended my 10 year high school reunion. It went almost exactly as I thought it would. I was bored off my butt.

People were surprisingly not that different to me, most looked the same. Some aged more than others. For the most part, people had progressed in fairly predictable manner. Nobody was wildly successful, nor tremendous failure. Everyone sort of kept going the same way they did 10 years ago.

One thing that did surprise me, was people who were interested in my life, and knew so much about it. I wouldn't of thought it at all. I was fairly distant in high school, outside my close group of my friends, I did not feel the need to extend. I got along with everyone, just didn't know a lot lot about them.

There was also some rearranging. People who were never together in High School spent the entire night talking, and those that couldn't be separated previously didn't say 2 words to one another. In all it was obvious 10 years had changed things for some people.

Overall, it was a blah event. Nothing too exciting. Was fun to actually get to drink with all my highschool classmates, while not barred up in some ones house or freezing at the beach, which we frequented( more on that later).

I am not sure all in all, if the event was so bad, of if just didn't feel right without Peet there. I twas also his last night state side, so I had my last conversation with him where he wasn't shoulder to shoulder with other guys over the raor of my drunken classmates.

It also was so hard because we met in highschool. Have been together since our junior year, and everyone knew it. So all night was "Where's Peet?" " Stay strong" " I am so sorry to hear that" and the all time overwhelming bummer of the evening, heard over and over, " I don't know how you do it, I'd be a mess"

While I know it was all well enteded, it made it all the harder. I also knew I was driving over to the beach following the reunion so I had to stop drinking way before everyon else, and anybody who has been the dedicated river knows. It sucks to be the sober one when everyone is still drinking. They can get annoying.

Hang on tight, I have gotten behind

I have gotten behind on my blog, but I have been keeping notes so get ready because it's time to get you up to speed on the current event, recent thoughts and whatever else I think of along the way.

Monday, October 17, 2005

Sorry so late, but to the point Dreams and games

I have since bringing children into the world been punished as a lite sleeper. With infant children, I was able to hear even the slightest change in breathing pattern, thus being able to soothe them before they completely awakened. While at one time this was in fact somewhat useful, it in the past year has turned as it sometimes goes into a curse. I had not gotten any quality sleep for quite sometime, and with the absensce of my beloved, it got even worse. I would sit awake lying in bed at 2 am hoping, praying for sleep, with 3 little girls the mornings come on strong, for about 13 months I had not consistantly gotten more than 4-5 hours sleep every night.

It wasn't until my doctor asked me how I was sleeping after my husband left, that I even truly realized it, but even more so after she prescribed me a sleeping iad, and I had my first dream in so long. I truly realized how the quality of my sleep had dimished with the absence of dreams. I have again been blessed with the wonderful adventures of the subconscience. I feel as if I have been away so long.

Speaking of adventures, my husband has got me on a goose case. The mastermind known as Peet Cooper, has divised for my entertainment a game, a series of puzzles, clues and symbols. Their relevance to each other and the end result I do not yet know, but I look at it all with such wonder and intrigue. He has used the postal system, email and telecommunications to provide the information to which I now possess as my only links to the mystery. My ability to solve, link and truly think outside the box is being put to the test.

Just the fact that given his current situation, he not only took the time to come up with this cleverly elloborate scheme, but to hand draw, contact others and play out this game in sequence is one of the biggest testaments to the love he shares for me.

Vas, if you read this I want to you to know the conversation we shared in LA about learning to accept love the way the bearer intends and the way they are capable of, really changed my perspective and probably has made me a better wife, and my marriage even stronger. You helped me to realize that when things like this are done for me by the man that I love, he is telling me he loves me too and that just because they way he exresses it is not a Hallmark card, who he is and what he does, this is the best gesture of his affection in the world and I couldn't ask for better.

Peet. you know you are driving me crazy, but that I am loving it every step of the way, even if I should never reveal the answer to the game you have created, the art, the logic and the time you put into this will never be forgotten. I love you. You know my endless curiousity will win out, one way or another I will get out out of you what this all means.

Again, sorry about the gap, I am the worst with keeping a journal, I will be sure to share the results of my adventures and show the images and clues I got so you can try too.

Now off, to my mazes, word finds, anagrams and road signs. Remember what doesn't kill us only makes us stronger, RIGHT?

Friday, September 23, 2005

Is anyone out there?

Ever had a day when you just felt alone in the world? Like nobody understands, or is even close to being on the same wavelength you are on.

I live in a connected relationship with many, either by phone, IM, email or postal mail. Even my husband is a long distance relationship right now.

Sometimes I wonder what else people are doing while I am talking to them? What percentage of their attention do I really have? Did what I say get lost in translation. I am so much of a body language interpreter, it is difficult for me to feel the quality of my conversations is even close to what they would be if they were face to face.

But some communication is better than none. For I truly appreciate that I can at least talk to my husband on the phone, to the letters only it will become when he goes overseas. There will be occasional calls, but the contact comes down to the written word versus the spoken in the long run.

I miss facial expressions......

Friday, September 16, 2005

State of the Nation

I have almost avoided commenting on the Hurricane Katrina aftermath. It has been so upsetting for me. I have spent a lot of time crying and just asking why and when?

I have to say I have never been more embarrassed to be a citizen of the USA. We are humanitarians all across the world, or so we pretend to be in countries that economic importance to us. We put an image of helping the world. That bubble was burst in the worst way.

The racial tension and economic divide has not been at the current levels for sometime. And not been so worldly broadcast. Everyone could see what was not being done and who it was not being done for.

Shame on US government. The people of this country reached out and were able to start helping before the government. People banded together raised contributions and goods and set off to get it where it needed to go.

I have a pretty good idea of hurricane preparation, had my first 3 last year. Watching them come for days if not a week. Public advisories put out on hourly basis. I also know that before every hurricane I have seen in FL, depending on where they expect the greatest amount of damage, the supplies to provided in aftermath, where prepared and kept at arms length, to be able to get there quickly. Insurance teams, Red Cross, FEMA, all ready, sitting for storm to clear to move in and help.

What the hell happened????

I am not into the blame game, it never gets anyone anywhere, I care for doing right by our people, ALL OF OUR PEOPLE. For the sense of security to know we are all here for each other. To feel in times of crisis our nation people and GOVERNMENT would be doing all they can.

If you have a minute take a look here or here to really get a feeling of how bad this was and how much we need to do, to be sure nothing like this ever happens again.

Tuesday, September 13, 2005

Fact of Fiction???

I am an infamous sufferer from time lapse syndrome. I will start something and be really into it, then it fades away, to be rekindled randomly, so here we are. I have been distracted and have not blogged, but I am back, with yet another quandary.

I have often been called an intelligent person, I hold myself to be a good study of life due to analytical nature. I have always had a slight discrepancy in my person beliefs when it comes to the supernatural you might say.

Logic tells me that to believe in most supernatural means to admit a belief in some sort of life after death. I am not quite sure in my mind what I believe happens after death. I never been a religious person having studied so many of them in great detail I believe that they are all human attempts to explain that which we do not know. A close friend share this point of view with me and it made so much sense, was amazed I had never come to this conclusion before. It ran right in hand with my opinion that with the growth of society and the knowledged gained religions changed, that they were just interpretation of man's mind at the time.

While saying I am not religious, please do not take this mean I am not spiritual at all. I believe in the human spirit, that there is something within all of us that can be nourished or neglected, and that the way we treat our spirit and the spirits of others, greatly influences the outcome of our lives.

Weather or not I would be able to really say we have spiritual being which could be separated from our body or if I can idealizing a series of chemical and emotional reactions to life and others... Well whatever gets you through the day I say.

But this again, is where a major opposition in my thoughts comes from. To believe in spirits and ghost, would mean that there is a spiritual being that can be separated from the flesh.

How many people can say that they have never walked somewhere and either stopped or got scared for some reason, something just didn't feel right?

How many people can say that when they decided they were going to put there best foot forward and have a positive day that it did not effect someone else they came in contact with that day?

I guess I do we believe that we put off positive and negative energies, that others can sense them, I do also believe they are capable of lingering.

I guess I will always be conflicted, unless in someway or another I come in direct contact with a spirit, it probably won't be settles until I die.

Sunday, August 28, 2005

Hurricane Katrina

I am really scared for all those that are facing Hurricane Katrina. Being the 1st Category 5 hurricane to be making landfall since Hurricane Andrew, we can only fear the damage that will be left behind.

The cities population of 485,000 were order to evacuate the below level sea area and head to higher ground. New Orleans is a bowl shaped dip into the earth, surrounded by a river, a lake and an ocean. The barricades built to hold back the water from the constant sources will not provided protection from the 28 foot storm surge that is expected. The city relies on pumps to help drain the area from normal wet weather, the thought of power loss on top of already overworked pumps is not setting the city of to hold strong.

Many of the areas residents were able to head to higher ground, and Thank God. But the city is not empty, there are those with nowhere to go, the stranded travels that have no where to go. They are settling in for a long evening preparing for the reality that sunrise is scheduled to bring.

The worst of the storms I have seen, were closer and wound down as they came. Charley was 1st and hit hardest, then Frances and Ivan. Within 6 weeks or so, I had experienced my first 3 hurricanes. And now I am afraid and I am not even in it's path.

I am afraid for a city that has fought to preserve it's history, and the damage to the people and community that will be caused.

I am afraid for the travelers who are not prepared to be apart of natures fury. New Orleans has a small road over the lake to get in and out, once the flooding starts, they will be cut off from supplies, until other means are found to get them in.

I am scared because my husband who has been recalled by the Army, against all wishes of all who know him, it in Hattiesburg, MS which is in the direct path of this storm. Not only do I fear for his safety and of the other soldiers with him. I fear the duty he will be called to in efforts to restore the area he is residing in and around.

I am a strong person, but once with a large heart. The tragedy that will surround this area for a long time, will be a hard sight to bear.

To all those in this storms path, you have all my hope, my love and strength behind you. Stay calm, think clear, love yourself and those around you and you will survive and help those around you survive.

To all those that will be a part of the eminent relieve effort, bless you. I wish I could offer more assistance than my love and thoughts of serenity are with you, but with 3 small children their needs have to come first. We will find a way to support those in need and those in relief efforts as best we can. In troubling times, we grow, and become the people we need to be.

Saturday, August 27, 2005

No more Cherokee???

I just read here that the Mascot of my High School was banned in 2001, and the other day I reead here that the local college had it's name banned from NCAA.

Come on people can we just all try to RELAX, do we think we have caused enough pandemonium about the names? Was it the all the sudden commotion about Indians being used in logos and team names?

The NCAA had to reverse it's decision because the tribe to which the school mascot is named supports the uses. The logo and name are used a celebration and respect of the valuable relationship that was created in the local area. A far cry from how it is presented to be part of the NCAA hostile list.

I am going to say this very slowly... and very clearly... so there is no confusion... People are different races,

!!! OH MY GOD!!! Did she say what I think she said????

Why do we all get in such a huff, about acknowledging the fact that we are different races, and cultures? Why is that bad? We push such a conformist nation, that now even acknowledging different races is HOSTILE????

You have got to god damn kidding me.

Why is being different a problem, yes we are different who cares? I can point out that my mixed ethic kids are from different racial backgrounds and talk about my daughters nappy hair, with out saying it's bad, it is just different than mine.

We are trying to act like Red, Orange, Yellow, Green, Blue and Purple are all the same color. Can't we just admit the rainbow had different colors and that we like it because it does?

Friday, August 26, 2005

The Reunion!!!

My thoughts have been racing lately. My 10 year high school is in 2 months. God that makes me feel old. I can't believe 10 years have pasted already.

The problem is I am having an overwhelming amount of fear in relation to this event. I did not have the best high school experience, in fact parts of it were down right awful. I got my equivalency earlier to to get out of there, maybe it got better, I was done in November of my senior year.

First off, I attended mostly private schools until High school, my parents had some fear of public school, wild and I was smart kids so they feared the value of the education I would get. Was strange I never went to the same school any of my neighbors went to. I also changed schools about every 2 years but never moved, was strange. High School I begged my parents to go to the Big Public School 2 blocks from my house, I wanted Big Football games, sports teams to participate on, High School Dances. They agreed, it backfired.

My High School career started out with a bang, I had dated a guy all summer before High School that was entering his senior year. I was worried that the grief he would get from his friends about dating a freshman would break us up when school started, and wham 3rd day of school, he broke up with me. I was happy to see though that the next girl he dated, he married eventually and has 2 beautiful children, just sucked for me.

So 3 days into public high school I cut my first class, I was a mess. Status always lumped me with the popular rich white kids. I was from family with money, I was intelligent and pretty clean cut. My opinions and perspective always fought with me to stay there. It was always a personal battles to put up with these people. I could, I just always ending up choosing not too.

So 1st semester Freshman year, I was Rich Prep, as it was said at the time. I ran for student office, I participated in Homecoming Activities, played soccer and volleyball. I was in debate club and drama club. I was building an excellent college resume.

But the people I was spending time with, were so fake so interested in such unimportant things, so judgemental, I couldn't stand it, I began to show my true colors, and when the Rich Preps just couldn't understand me I turned away from them. I went out on my own.

Well let's just say left to my own devices I tend to get in some trouble, especially when I am mad. I ended up on shopping spree with bunch of undesirables, just to spite the system. They were all great people, just system looked at them as ruffians and trouble makers.

Well my parents decided enough was enough with public school. They sent me 2nd semester Freshman year to the smallest school I have ever been to, I was 1 of 3 freshman, it was almost like a country farm house school. Many of my classes had students from 6th grade to senior in them. That was an experience. I was told if I got straight A's I could go back to public school, so I did.

If you ever have attended a school with more than 100 people, you will know what I am talking about when I say, the rumors that I was faced with when I returned to public High 1st semester Sophomore year, were beyond any belief, but there were believed to some extent.

I was a total outcast at this point, accepted by none. I don't ever remember much of my sophomore year it was that bad I guess, nothing memorable.

High school got so much better for me Junior Year, but the rest of me life fell apart. I began the journey to discovering me, and it meant leaving some other parts behind. Number 1 at the time was my parents.

My junior year in high school included failing almost every class, running away from home, meeting my future husband and developing bonds with a true group of friends, it was a major turning point in my life, but as the saying goes, things got a whole lot worse before they got better.

As the year started my life was a mess, of catastrophic proportions, life has no meaning to me. By years end I was in completely different state of mind. Life was getting pretty good. That summer I met Natalia my foster mother, the local Police had enough calls from my mom about me running away, so I went into foster care at 17, weird I know, but it couldn't have been better if I planned it. See previous entry to read about Natalia, my other mother.

Senior year started, and I was just no longer in the state of mind to handle the crap that goes on at High School, I went to school every other day and maintained a 3.5 GPA, to say the least my teachers were not happy. My school had policy that you could not fail on attendance, so they could only mark on work and test, which I never did homework, but when I was in class I would participate, and I always have tested well.

So with the know the knowledge that in 6 months I would be out on my own unless I wanted to be in foster care after I turned 18, they only do 6 month terms, or the growth in my own life, I just couldn't continue to waste time playing at High school everyday. I left, got my equivalency and went to work.

This again was a hard time for me in a way because at 17 I was an adult, yes Natalia provided me great guidance, but she also wanted to let me get my feet wet, to falter if I needed to now, while she could still help me.

Life began so quickly, before my friends graduated from High school in June Peet and I were already living in our first apartment.

Peet ended up leaving high school too, I have never been happy with his decision, because of the timing and his reason, it looks as if he did it for me, but I never wanted him too. Peet was very anti high school anyways, he struggled through classes barely paying attention. He is an artist, he drew on assignments, his mind wandered, but he loved to play sports with the guys at breaks, I think it kept him there. Well senior year he decided he wanted to play Basketball for the School, so that meant the had to keep his grades up. Peet studied and took notes, interacted in class, he was determined. He achieved the minimum 2.0 GPA and he counselor said she did not want o risk he falling behind he was doing so well, maybe if he could get it up to 3.0 then he would have some leeway. So he got his GPA up to 3.0 and then she said with him doing so well, she did not feel it was in his best interest to gamble it on sports, that with the way he was going he could get scholarships, etc. Peet told here, the only reason I have done this well is to play basketball, it's the only reason I am still here, if you will not let me play there will be no reason to stay. I guess she thought she was calling his bluff, that after all his hard work he would not leave, but she refused to clear him. So he left.

High school was such a time of losing and rediscovering myself, that I have no idea what the people outside my immediate group of friends knew or thought about me. I didn't really care at the time. I still don't really care as far as making me be a different person, I just am curious. Haven't you ever wondered what someone thought of you, not that it would change anything but just to know?

I have such outdated thought of my high school class, I would love to refresh them with something new, maybe time has bettered everyone. Maybe age has given some perspective.
Maybe we can all reconnect, maybe we can connect to those that high school drama kept us from before.

I have my profile on and it is strange to see who looks at it, people you thought didn't know who you were at all. But if I knew of them it is reasonable to think they knew of me right?

Well I guess I will have to just go to find out right? Be looking for the post after I get back from CA beginning of November, it should be a good one.

Saturday, August 20, 2005

My Other Mother, Natalia

Really special lady, met her at 17 when I was so sorta lost in the world, didn't feel like their was a whole lot of people out there on my side, very strange time in my life, and she took me in welcomed Peet, supported us both in our efforts and just showed me a different kind of live that I had ever been exposed to, she was so cultured, and successful, but so genuine and true to herself, was amazing influence on me, changed my perspective from what I had always known. Took my to me first renaissance fair in costume, had D&D figure lining walls, had super Nintendo and Red Dwarf movies, she was so different, and I love the feeling she created within my that it was OK to be different, I grew up in very conformist social circle and always stood out, was rough and parents always encouraged me to conform too. So when I was the most lost about who I was and how I fit in. She was like a wind of acceptance, with so much to offer, couldn't have asked for bigger blessing on my life than meeting her.

Natalia, if you read this, I always fear you don't know how truly important to my life you have been and will always be. I feel that because I am so bad and keeping in touch you might mistaken that for how much I care for you. I am horrible about calling, writing, emailing, I know it. This blog at these post with 3 entries now, is a feat of consistency for me. I am known to get bored and move on.

But you are the woman in my life who has given my the greatest personal strength, you have provided more guidance without saying a word, than all the lectures in my life combined have offered. With the examples I had of life before you I feared it, but you created a picture of open accepting respectful love, it changed me forever. Helped me tear done walls I had built up to protect myself, you created an example I sought to replicate how how people should be treated.

Without you in my life, I would live a very different life, not one I would experience happiness the way I have because of the love you showed me.

I hope everyone has someone to love them in the way you have loved me. I hope everyone loves the someone the way you love me. I hope to be able to show you someday how much you have meant to me. You are one of the voices in my head when I need guidance or counsel, you voice is there, your example leads, your heart loves.

I carry you with me always, and even though I might not call, I love you and always have and always will. Thank you for coming into my life.

Wednesday, August 17, 2005

Strange as it may seem, but...

After watching a truly enlightening Televised lecture the other night, I find myself pondering. I am one who ponders, just to make that clear.

The current quandary? The lecture's subject was Social Capitol. A subject I can take to heart. I believe in doing things for the good of others, not to get something in return just to create comradery. I truly care about the spirit housed within the shells of skin and bones we all cruise with each and everyday. I believe there is part of each and every person that longs to make human connections.

The lecture followed a track revolving around the decline in human connection and the outcomes of this decline. Some of it was cliche, yes, but what can you expect. It is touchy feely subject matter.

The truly enlightening parts was that this lectured was being given for city officials and business owners in Orlando, at their request to help add that missing element of community and team spirit to Central Florida Resident and businesses.

How great is that that they invited and paid someone to help open their eyes, give suggestions, share with the public, that they do care, they don't know what to do about it, they are open to suggestion and have a plan to make changes. Talk about pro-active, BRAVO!!!

The speaker was Robert Putnam, Author of pretty infamous book Bowling Alone. The major concept is revolved around basic figure that in the sixties the number of bowlers increased, but membership in bowling leagues declined.

This trend has been true of many things, we are doing more alone. Academic Clubs, Civic Groups and churches declining memberships are all examples of the facts that more is being done alone.

Not to drive this lecture into your cerebral subconscious or anything, but the basic premise that there are so many people out there and so much of our time is spent in solitude. Why?

I saw lecture on Monday, was intrigued, but last night it really sorta hit home for me. I was sitting down after putting my kids to bed, for one of my usual evenings of IM'ing some friends on the puter and awaiting telephone call from Hubby.

I spend so little time talking face to face with anyone, other than my children. I miss just hanging out with group of people and exchanging days activities, opinions, whatever. This realization hit me pretty hard and just couldn't do it. I was so longing to have conversation that did not involve a device of some sort. It kinda depressed my how disconnected we are.

How many people do you know or converse with in someway on the internet, but have never heard their voice or seen their face in person???

I am one who truly enjoys face to face conversation, to see impact of words upon delivery. I always have. I used to compete in Speech contest with controversial subject matter, just to see the faces in the audience. Well I did it to win too, but that's another subject.

IM'ing can lose so much of the emotion of a conversation, ever not really know what someone was saying because you can't hear tone or see expression?

Now, I am so grateful for the modern technology that allows me to converse freely with other all of the world, and continue to share time with my husband even though we don't reside in same state, but are we replacing all close encounters for disconnected ones.

There is just something to be said for captive audience. I have proven this fact over and over. People forced to share space for duration of time will find something to talk about, subjects will change so dramatically but conversation will flow when given the chance provided by situation.

Much more understandable by example;

Every time I am going to be in a car for any amount of time over like 30 minutes with a group of people, I love to bring camcorder. To record a conversation for road trip is a blast. Last example I have group of friends all go to LA for E3 this May. We decide to take a trip to Santa Monica for Dinner. The conversation subjects were wild, it was only about 45-50 minute ride, but we were all over the places with subjects, Kelly Clarkson, Religion, Tatty's, you name it. To try to figure out how we had gone from one to the other would have been a trip, but recorded we had reference, is way to funny to watch, I will have to edit for time and post someday.

My point, yes there might be one in here, I told you these would be rambles. My point is that the world is relying so heavily on IT communication nowadays that we have devalued the human bond. There is a point to creating bonds, other than networking to progress your career. To feed that spot in your soul that yearns to connect with another human soul, that feeling of trust and friendship, love and loyalty, even anger and sadness. I truly don't think these can be felt as strong as they can be when faced with another human. Another persons feelings and opinions on the line.

So I want to encourage you all to find a way to spend some face time with someone, make an excuse. Go out to lunch with someone at work, instead of eating at your desk. Talk to the person behind you at the supermarket checkout lane, instead of just facing forward waiting your turn to pay. Make a conscience decision to connect, email me let me know how it goes, would love to here about it.

Monday, August 15, 2005

Well... Had Hubby home for few days :)

Sorry about Gap in posts, had my husband home with me for a few days, and let's just say I did not spend much time at my computer.

Well it was really good, to see Peet, spent some fun time at the a spring riding tubes down stream, we played chess, cruised the mall, strange I know, but we are both people watchers, so it works.

Having him come home really helped me see that I have made some positive changes in myself. I tend to be a inner stress case. He tends to see it more than anyone else in the world, he just knows me so well. Others would never know, what anxiety used to exist within the confines of my skull, but I have been working on slowing my brain down some. Living a little more in the here and now instead of where I should have been and where I am going. Enjoying a little more and worrying a hole lot less.

I am a smart woman, there is not much that gets buy me nor many opportunities I have not taken, what am I so worried about?? It's was like I was afraid that opportunity wouldn't knock but just try to sneak by.

I have been relatively lucky in my life, sure lots of crazy bad stuff has happened to me, keep coming back to catch up on details. They slowly work their way out. I have had my generous share of heartaches and mishaps, believe me, more than you might think could happen to one person at 28, but I think I have come out ahead, that I have managed to cheat the system you might say.

The rewards have not been discovered in close proximity to the tragedies, but looking back I believe I am all the better for going through them. My grandmother said to be a few years ago, that I was wise beyond my years. I take that in such high esteem now, I feel lucky to be only 28 and had to tackle some much already in my life.

I am so well prepared for anything, that why worry I have done so much already and barely ever stumbled . Life has flipped, tossed, turned and rolled me ever which way and I still come out standing. So hey I am taking it as an omen you might say. That I am meant to be here, to do great things, that no little thing is going to get me down and hell Life goes on, so why not enjoy it.

You ever feel in the mood for swapping sob stories, or lives calamities, let me know I love to here what you have survived and I am always willing to share my tales. I have been told time and time again to chapter them out and publish my life story, it gets pretty good, might have to do that some day.

Wednesday, August 10, 2005

Welcome and warning

I am setting up me new blog, thought it might be interesting. I have extremely busy mind and plenty of opinions so why not share.

I will have to warn you though, my thoughts are out there and frequently unexplainable. I am very opinionated and think broadly. If you are timid or simple minded, probably not for you. That being said, I thank you for dropping by and email whenever you wish I am always up for good conversation with like minded folks, and so it goes....