Wednesday, November 30, 2005

Progress of the subconscious

How do certain people progress, evolve per say. Then others stay completely the same? Why do some question and other are completely content?

The issue of religion has often brought me to this question. Why did God if he exists, make it easier for some to believe than others? I being of scientific and inquisitive mind will always have a harder time believing than the more simple minded person. Those who do not by nature require explanation and proof.

The subconscious mind is thought to be responsible for the underlying thought reflected in our everyday reactions, decision making and emotions. The ability to change what lies in your subconscious, or at times to even acknowledge the very existence of it, are feats beyond most people's grasp.

How do random scientific processes explain why some evolve and grow and others remain unchanged? Is it the presence of challenge, adversity? Do we as humans only grow under terms of pressure or crisis?

Is there a scientific explanation for IQ? IQ is the measurement of your ability to learn, not what you know or are capable to learn. It is meant to actually measure the relation to others of your age range your cognitive ability. Basically how efficiently your brain performs in relation to others your age.

Subconscious can be defined as an accounting of events and aspects of events which we are not directly aware of. IQ is how effectively our brain processes functions. So how do the functions relate to one another? Are there any direct relations between IQ and subconscious health. Does genius really make you crazy? Does having an analytical nature eventually overpower your ability to function in society?

Again, questions, many will always remain unanswered, but still they are there. Anyone know where questions like this come from?

Sunday, November 27, 2005


My thoughts have been racing lately regarding the idea of Karma, paying into the system per say.

I have always thought in one way or another, that in life you get what you are willing to work for, life doesn't hand you anything. But in that same breath I would also say that if you are well intentioned and good to your fellow man, the time will come when the favor is returned. That being I said I do mean well intentioned, not doing something in direct relation to expecting something back. I mean doing something for the pure kindness or compassion you can show, nothing expected.

I have been pondering lately though a variant of this issue. Peet and I are one of those miracle couples as people may put it. We are opposites but share a great love, we have endured many hard times and catastrophes together. We are both passionate so when we fight watch out, but the same passion spills into our everyday love as well.

Now how does that relate to the Karma issue, well, my thought has been this. Do Peet and I have to repeatedly have to pay into the Karma system to get in return the great love and achievement we have shared? Is it lives system of checks and balance that keeps our lives in a constant roller coaster cycle?

Our relationship went through a miraculous recovery following years of constant separation. From Peet going to the military, then to Full Sail, then onto a job that completely overworked him, we were growing apart. It was not out of loss of love on either side, but a tremendous amount of time in the same living space but not really any amount of quality time. The addition in that time of 2 girls, making 3 kids total, also distracted from the time our relationship needed, but happy ending awaits as we recovered. We pin pointed the problems and made efforts needed to correct them.

Life moves forward a few months, things are looking to be getting really good, relationship is happy, kids are doing great, Peet is looking for alternate employment and optimism is abound in our household again, life was good. Then the day comes where we received orders calling Peet back to the military in 30 days. WHOA, what happened???

Things have had that kind of path for us repeatedly in our lives together, we struggle to get somewhere, suffer through the process, get there or remarkably close, just for something to happen and life presents another challenge.

I do have to say that when life's challenges are presented, the suffering through always is worth it in the end, the rewards have always been great. It can be an extremely tiring process though. It almost seems as if life will never be smooth sailing for any amount of time with us.

Do we suffer a multitude of challenges because of our pairing, or 2 strong passionate people such as ourselves cosmically putting the system to test?

Then there is the thought that after all this time, with the few problems we have endured at that point did we become so used to facing challenges that we feel compelled to put life to the test? Do we take a dive into this situation knowing we are tough enough to endure whatever may come our way?

This is one of those questions that is not meant to have an answer, but still is worth asking in my opinion.

I would do anything for Peet, and him for me. That has been proven time and time again, and never needs to be questioned. No matter how close we have gone to the edge, we are always there to pull each up again.

All in all, we have had a pretty exciting ride. Some parts not so pleasant, but what life is always peaches and roses?

While digging for all my Christmas decorations today, I came across an unmarked box, so I opened it. Sat on the floor of my attic for the next 90 minutes pulling out little pieces of Peet's and my life. Photos, awards, old comics, drawings, card from birthdays. It was one of the best things I could have had happen to me today. It is so hard to be without Peet during the holidays, but that box helped remind me of how much joy we have had, the love that we share and made me look even more forward to our future together.

So to pull this all together, even if loving Peet means I will put to the test time and time again, I fear not. For with Peet by my side I can not, nor will not fail. We are ying and yang. Opposite with weakness alone, but complete and strong together.

Saturday, November 26, 2005

Black Friday

Well after awakening my girls at midnight and driving to our local Circuit City. We arrived to our first wait in line in the wee hours of the morning on the day after Thanksgiving experience. Arrival time 12:10 am November 26th, store opens 5am. I thought we would be among the first few to get there, WRONG. When I got there 40 people were already camped in front of the store, but at this point we were there and why not?

I want to first share this above all else, my experience was great, people were kind and very helpful, the people surrounding me in the line, made this experience fun. Somebody moved from the spots right in front of the store to let me park there so the girls could sleep in that car while I waited, so they were like 10 feet from me, that was great. I had brought extra chairs which I shared with everyone. People made runs to 7-11 for coffee and the such. It was a great environment. Come 4:45 when they came out and started passing out vouchers for the big ticket items, it was not as fun, I did not get the laptop I sat out all night for.

I can say though that even as I pulled away from the store at 4:50 am, it was not a waste of time. I got a great night talking with people I didn't know, experienced a buzz of holiday shopping, and really got a reminder that not everyone is just out for themselves. All in all a great night, a fun experience and one I might do again, if Peet was home, and they girls could stay in bed.

The utter ability of people to show kindness and compassion made the trip the experience it was, I could not have left in better mood. Had it been hostile and I got the laptop, or worse hostile and I didn't, I would have not ever wanted to do this again.

I do have to say though the Walmart down the street made CNN for the utter chaos and violence shoppers experienced there the same morning.

I am glad I was part of the group I was, and got to see a few hours where humanity shined.

Thursday, November 24, 2005

My thanks on this day

Thanksgiving this year is a mixed bag. I feel I have so much to be thankful for. I have a wonderful husband, 3 healthy children, and all of my needs have been met in one way or another.
It also leaves in a state of true appreciation for what I do have, not just the average thanks, but true recognition. We have all heard the saying, you don't miss it until it's gone, or distance make the heart grow stronger. It's true.

As much as I love Peet when he's here, his absence creates a true appreciation of him and the things I overlook.

Today was one of those days where his presence was truly missed, and the things he does left me pondering to change or just recreate tradition.

We have tried our hardest in the raising of our children to create traditions. We have moved quite a bit, so the things at home make the holidays special in our family. Long story short, trying to do it all myself, is a lot of work.

Peet and I are different people, in my opinion our children benefit from the different perspectives and manner in which we tackle life. I just feel there are things I didn't really notice as much, because they were a Peet thing. Am I doing them all wrong?

I know long term it will not matter how badly Mom screwed up Dad's tradition and we will all probably laugh about it when the girls are older. One thing I can same I am glad nobody was here to try and watch me drag an 8' foot Christmas tree down the stairs from the attic.

Christmas trees have been Peet's thing. I used to love to decorate the tree growing up. Since Peet and I have come together I have not touched one, as far as decorating it.

I will be fair in saying Peet and I are BOTH perfectionist, there are just different things we tend to care more about.

That being said, the first Christmas Peet and I were in our own place and went to decorate our tree, in his opinion I did it all wrong. I didn't properly balance the color and size of the ornaments to the most visually appealing arrangement. From that point on, I didn't touch it.

Well without him here, I am almost afraid to do it without him. A strange thing, is I always feel like he can still see things. I was careful when moving in to house things how he would like them too, not just me. I don't sleep on his side of the bed, I change the calendar at his desk every month. I do things as if he is still here as much as I can.

I really don't want to completely change the way I live, and get so used to him not being here, that I have to completely change again when he returns.

I would rather be a weirdo, than ever act like he is gone from my life. Now I don't go as far as setting his place at the table or anything, but I do keep up habits that if he was to come home tomorrow it would take very little adjustment.

Peet has been everything to me. He has given me everything. He has taught me to be a better person, and opened my mind to a freedom I never knew. He loved me for who I am , appreciates a good argument and he can always make me laugh.

Well there I go rambling again, but on this Thanksgiving, I thank Peet for all you have given to me physically, mentally and emotionally. I thank Brian, you are such an original, you have reawakened my questioning mind and have a been a great friend whenever Peet or I really needed it. I thank all our friends who have been so supportive, I could not have survived without you. I thank my family for helping me become who I am today. I thank my girls for everyday teaching me to remember that life is more simple than it appears and to find joy in the little things.

To all of you out there in the world, have a very Happy Thanksgiving, and remember always to not look out into the world for what you want, but to look into your life and see everything you have.

In case you wanted to keep up with what Peet's doing

1-120th FA

Wanted to pass on the link to the unit website Peet was attached to. This is where you will be able to see what he is doing, they will update the photos and videos soon, so you can actually see where he is and what his situation is.
Peet is part of the HHS company, so if you click on that link on the left you can see an update from his company commander.

I know not everyone wants to see this, but wanted to make sure those who might that I shared it with you.

Wednesday, November 23, 2005

Wanted to let anyone who was interested, that you can keep up with Photos of my girls at

Puzzle Result

Wanted to let you all know from previous post the puzzle Peet sent me, I solved it. It led to my anniversary gift and I wanted to share it with all of you. All the puzzles led me to this website use the password sequoiastation all one word.

You will get to view my gift. An amazing rendition of me and our 3 girls.

Peet in all the commotion his life has become found the time not only to design and produce this series of puzzles, and collaborate with others to execute this plan, but also to create the drawing it all lead to.

I hope you all can view it with the amazement I did, especially given the circumstances of it's creation.


Nobody else compares to my husband. He is intelligent, articulate, artist and a true original. We are the perfect pair. His art, my technology. His vision with my abilities, nothing is impossible. Together we have survived, accomplished more in such a short time, than many in a lifetime.

I am and will always be grateful for the bond that we share, but in times of separation it makes it all that much harder.

At times, it makes me almost envious of those that don't share the bond we do. They don't miss their spouse nearly as much, other actually enjoy it.

I feel at times as if I am going through a slow torture. Not just for my loneliness, but also what he is going through. Not alone is he away from home with a group of people who just met a few months ago, that he has close to nothing in common with. Not only is he lost his freedom and privacy. Not only does he have to spend 12 hours of each day on patrol in a foreign land, with a walkie talkie attached to be called to the trouble if and when it comes. As if all that isn't enough, he is missing our children as well as me. Not only does he feel the loss of me, but also of our 3 small girls.

I find myself crying, not always for me but also for him. Mine is a pain of the loss of him in a manner, but he has lost his entire life. Home, family, friends, career, all in one sweep. He deserves better, and it hurts me that I can't do anything to give him what he deserves.

True friend

As I said in earlier post, following my high school reunion I drove over to the beach. In high school it was somewhere we visited a bit too much. It was a great place to hide from the cops, while commencing in under age drinking.

So following the official event, we joined up with group who had skipped the formal event and gathered in our old stomping ground.

Well to start off, the road was a lot easier to find before, or so it seemed. I also didn't drive until after high school, so I probably never paid attention. We were all on cell phone wandering down dirt roads trying to find our way. We all finally got the the right place.

Since we had been away, I guess they did not want the nightly visitors, so they chained off parking lot. So the closest place to park was about a mile back.

Well even though I knew I was going to the beach following event, and I remembered my change of clothes, I somehow forgot my change of shoes. So all I had was 3" heels, the best hiking shoes they make.

Well after parking, by the time we get up to the parking lot, my feet are dying. Now the reason this place was so good for underage drinking was it is pain to get to. Other beaches in the area you could just drive up to. This one, Ross' Cove, was a major exception. Even from the parking lot, you had to hike up dirt path to shimmy down a cliff to the beach.

So after managing to get to the parking lot, then up the dirt path, we can't find the path to the ravine you shimmy down the cliff in. At this point my feet are dying, I am giving up. My friend Steve Schoening, who I drove with and have been hanging with all night, starts to feel so bad. He offers my a piggyback ride. I am like down the cliff???

I told him to go on ahead go grab somebody's shoes from the beach and come bring them back to me. He is such a sweetheart and does not wan to leave me there alone. He takes off his shoes and gives them to me. I refuse telling him, now he is in dress socks and his feet will hurt. He says you have been wearing heels since 5pm, when we left it's now 1 am. I will be fine I just have to get down the hill to the beach, so I accept.

Well the beach sucked too. I was freezing and people again were already smashed, and at this point I didn't feel like drinking and having to get up the hill, down the path, to the car and drive back over the hill. Sounded like a very bad idea.

So we are there like an hour and everyone started leaving so we did too. Steve tells me to keep his shoes, that his feet are all dirty and he would not want to put hem back on anyways and ruin them. So he walks up the cliff, down the dirt path, down the road to the car, in a pair of dress socks.

I was so grateful and still am. You know you have a friend when you have not seen them in years, exchanged a few email and talked on the phone a few times, but they will still give you their shoes and brutalize their feet, just to provide you with comfort.

Steve you are the man! A true trooper. I owe you, let me know what can be done to repay the favor.

I hope I can be that person for someone someday. That a simple gesture and willing sacrifice that shows so a level of loyality and compassion, I will be grateful to have been able to pay it forward.


I recently attended my 10 year high school reunion. It went almost exactly as I thought it would. I was bored off my butt.

People were surprisingly not that different to me, most looked the same. Some aged more than others. For the most part, people had progressed in fairly predictable manner. Nobody was wildly successful, nor tremendous failure. Everyone sort of kept going the same way they did 10 years ago.

One thing that did surprise me, was people who were interested in my life, and knew so much about it. I wouldn't of thought it at all. I was fairly distant in high school, outside my close group of my friends, I did not feel the need to extend. I got along with everyone, just didn't know a lot lot about them.

There was also some rearranging. People who were never together in High School spent the entire night talking, and those that couldn't be separated previously didn't say 2 words to one another. In all it was obvious 10 years had changed things for some people.

Overall, it was a blah event. Nothing too exciting. Was fun to actually get to drink with all my highschool classmates, while not barred up in some ones house or freezing at the beach, which we frequented( more on that later).

I am not sure all in all, if the event was so bad, of if just didn't feel right without Peet there. I twas also his last night state side, so I had my last conversation with him where he wasn't shoulder to shoulder with other guys over the raor of my drunken classmates.

It also was so hard because we met in highschool. Have been together since our junior year, and everyone knew it. So all night was "Where's Peet?" " Stay strong" " I am so sorry to hear that" and the all time overwhelming bummer of the evening, heard over and over, " I don't know how you do it, I'd be a mess"

While I know it was all well enteded, it made it all the harder. I also knew I was driving over to the beach following the reunion so I had to stop drinking way before everyon else, and anybody who has been the dedicated river knows. It sucks to be the sober one when everyone is still drinking. They can get annoying.

Hang on tight, I have gotten behind

I have gotten behind on my blog, but I have been keeping notes so get ready because it's time to get you up to speed on the current event, recent thoughts and whatever else I think of along the way.