Thursday, November 24, 2005

My thanks on this day

Thanksgiving this year is a mixed bag. I feel I have so much to be thankful for. I have a wonderful husband, 3 healthy children, and all of my needs have been met in one way or another.
It also leaves in a state of true appreciation for what I do have, not just the average thanks, but true recognition. We have all heard the saying, you don't miss it until it's gone, or distance make the heart grow stronger. It's true.

As much as I love Peet when he's here, his absence creates a true appreciation of him and the things I overlook.

Today was one of those days where his presence was truly missed, and the things he does left me pondering to change or just recreate tradition.

We have tried our hardest in the raising of our children to create traditions. We have moved quite a bit, so the things at home make the holidays special in our family. Long story short, trying to do it all myself, is a lot of work.

Peet and I are different people, in my opinion our children benefit from the different perspectives and manner in which we tackle life. I just feel there are things I didn't really notice as much, because they were a Peet thing. Am I doing them all wrong?

I know long term it will not matter how badly Mom screwed up Dad's tradition and we will all probably laugh about it when the girls are older. One thing I can same I am glad nobody was here to try and watch me drag an 8' foot Christmas tree down the stairs from the attic.

Christmas trees have been Peet's thing. I used to love to decorate the tree growing up. Since Peet and I have come together I have not touched one, as far as decorating it.

I will be fair in saying Peet and I are BOTH perfectionist, there are just different things we tend to care more about.

That being said, the first Christmas Peet and I were in our own place and went to decorate our tree, in his opinion I did it all wrong. I didn't properly balance the color and size of the ornaments to the most visually appealing arrangement. From that point on, I didn't touch it.

Well without him here, I am almost afraid to do it without him. A strange thing, is I always feel like he can still see things. I was careful when moving in to house things how he would like them too, not just me. I don't sleep on his side of the bed, I change the calendar at his desk every month. I do things as if he is still here as much as I can.

I really don't want to completely change the way I live, and get so used to him not being here, that I have to completely change again when he returns.

I would rather be a weirdo, than ever act like he is gone from my life. Now I don't go as far as setting his place at the table or anything, but I do keep up habits that if he was to come home tomorrow it would take very little adjustment.

Peet has been everything to me. He has given me everything. He has taught me to be a better person, and opened my mind to a freedom I never knew. He loved me for who I am , appreciates a good argument and he can always make me laugh.

Well there I go rambling again, but on this Thanksgiving, I thank Peet for all you have given to me physically, mentally and emotionally. I thank Brian, you are such an original, you have reawakened my questioning mind and have a been a great friend whenever Peet or I really needed it. I thank all our friends who have been so supportive, I could not have survived without you. I thank my family for helping me become who I am today. I thank my girls for everyday teaching me to remember that life is more simple than it appears and to find joy in the little things.

To all of you out there in the world, have a very Happy Thanksgiving, and remember always to not look out into the world for what you want, but to look into your life and see everything you have.

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