Sunday, April 09, 2006

The battle within

As days pass I would expect the excitement to be growing, but it seems I cry more and more with each passing day. I can feel as if I am just dragging myself through one day simple to get to the next, and repeat.

I want to be happy, I fight with myself each day to try and make it so. Physical activity seems to make things a little easier to forget, so the gym has become my friend.

I have never felt so alone in the world, I have also never felt so selfish. I feel like at time my emotions have taken over and I forget the happening in the rest of the world, my own self pity takes on global importance in my mind, and the guilt of those thoughts only makes it worse.

How the hell do I pull myself out of this cycle? How do I put on the happy face and survive another day? Planning events that are supposed to be happy, makes me fear them, am I so far gone that I will not be able to recover.

Or.... will it only take that one look, that one moment for this all to seem like it never happened?

I am normally the optimist in life, it is against my character to want to admit that I can not make things better, but lately my battle within has been making me feel weak. I want to be strong, I need to regain control, if not for me than for them.

My happiness is more important to many others than just me, I wish it was that easy. I wish I could be depressed and it not really make a difference. At least then the guilt of being depressed would not follow. Why can't I wallow for awhile if it helps me through the day, is crying myself to sleep really going to matter to anyone else in the end?

I barely have it in to me to keep writing this, a confession of sorts, exposure.

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