My juicefast Jan-to-Feb 013

Wow, I feel so different than the way I started. I have allowed myself to grow in whatever way I felt drawn, whatever felt needed. I have sought physical, mental and emotional fitness. I started see what was the root issue to things. I am not a sum of my circumstances, I am who I choose to be, so if I want to change what I see, I will have to choose to.

I have moved past so very old emotional scars, and I have allowed people old and new into my life. I have seen who I really am and was it possible and I WANT that! I am going ot do some recaps of what I captured on Facebook and add the stuff I didn't post. The other side of the Facebook page.

I am also going to be more active in my challenges. I am going to try to do things every day for 3 weeks. They say it takes 21 days to form a pattern, Let's see.

In between challenges, I will take one week off then start the next one. I have never been afraid to try something and I am much faster off the line than crossing it. So I have until the night of Valentine's Day to figure out my next challenge. I am hoping that by continuing the blog and adding my reflection on the last challenge, it will help guide me to the next one in need a the time.

Music and writing a book?

Those who know me well know I have a very very long memory. I don't forget a lot of things. One thing that is strange to me that I totally love is I can sit down listen to random shuffle from my music library and it is like a time machine. I see people, locations, I remember the feelings sometimes even smells.

Most of the people in my life has some sort of theme song to me, a song I hear that I can't help but think of them. Certain songs bring memories up so fast, it can be shocking. I love having a long memory, I get to keep so many wonderful things so close to the surface of my mind whenever I want to.

Then I started thinking, I know I take that for granted, how incredibly long my memory is, and let's face it I am not getting any younger, right? I won't always be able to pull something from 25-30 years ago in a seconds time.

I have also been incredibly lucky in life, At least I think so. I have been on some grand adventures, and come through relatively unscathed. I have tried things and gone through things and been through some stuff. Like I am sure most of you don't know another person who has had an average of  1.17 jobs and moves an average of every 8.5 months for every year they have been alive.

I love my memories and a lot of them are actually really good stories to share... so that got me thinking. i should finally start writing that book I have been told I should write a million times. I guess I never saw a really good reason, but age has created one for me.

I started my outline yesterday and was working on some title ideas. I am planning on writing it in a collection of short stories kind of way. Each chapter will be stories grouped together by a common theme, like cast or characters, major events, schools jobs, etc. Still working that out in my mind.

But I could use a little help, what events did you experience with me that you think are book worthy?

One pitfall of a super long memory is the filtering process, the sorting. I have a pretty good system of context. If I am trying to remember a particular time, I figure out what school I went to, where I lived, where I worked by dates and it helps create my then current cast and then events with them fall in after that, songs and pictures from that time after. I can go step further by looking up pop culture from that time, it adds more details and stories. So how do you pick and choose or combine to get all the best of everything, what do you leave out?

Wow it's been a long time!

Allowing 6 years to pass since my last real blog writing, has created an overload of things I want to experience again and explore for myself while sharing that monologue with whomever is reading. I want to be open for whatever you value to share with me and strong enough to make necessary changes. I am not getting any younger and I have collected so much information, it is time to sort it out and make the best use of it to inspire the best version of me; to be the most present version of me.

 We all have multiples side;, stress, fatigue, patience and many, many other factors effect how we treat each other and the things around us. The best version of ourselves is one we are very proud of, not in any sort of smug, boastful way, just really the best of each our our assets displayed all at once time. The "BEST" you.

 Then we have the good me, which few areas of our selves are not displayed with the best level. It continues until we reach the version of ourselves that has only the worst aspect of each asset displayed all at one time.The "WORST" you.

 I want to start moving areas that are closer to "WORST" back towards "BEST", so that I can be more proud of the person I am displaying.

You may wonder, where is this coming from? Why today??

I have heard things lately and in the recent past, that have all started coming together in my head that have culminated unto the moment we are now sharing.

 Today I was told I was not a good role model for my daughters in various aspects. That means something to me. I want to be better than that.

This week I spoke with a wonderful friend about the difficulty in being truly honest.

 Last Sunday, I heard a talk about purpose and are we serving our purpose? I can't really say I am, and I need to change that.

A few months ago, I was told I was not learning from my mistakes by a colleague. I have experienced a lot in the last 6 years, it is time to sort through it find what I did right and wrong, and use that information to move towards the "BEST" me.

 I welcome you to join me on my journey, I am going to try and write often and ask for feedback and help, share if you feel motivated. Had something you always wanted to tell me, ask me, or ask of me, please do.

 I am going somewhere, not quite sure where, but it is time to take the first step and follow it through to where ever it goes. Help keep me on track.

My hero

Have you ever really known someone on a personal level that amazed you in everyway? This person has been in your life for years yet you still find yourself in awe of them. I have someone in my life that is and always will be my hero, someone the world benefits from just because they are here. In more ways than one this person has shined, and the effects have been felt far and wide.
Too many people in modern day society will take a troubled childhood or a broken home and use it as an excuse for whatever failures they produce or hardships they might encounter. My hero took a stormy childhood and used it as motivation to rise above circumstances. Provided little to no moral support by his family unit, more criticism than encouragement, success was improbable for my hero in most people’s eyes. The journey for my hero is nowhere close to over, but the adventure thus far keeps me waiting with baited breath to see what the future holds.
By the time I encountered my hero in high school, he had endured more than most in a lifetime. Yet even so early off in life, the effects he had on the world around him were apparent. Each and every person close to him in his life was benefited in some way from the relationship. His influence ranged from encouragement, comedic relief, athletic challenge, confidant, all the way to scapegoat. Not all these relationships benefited him, but he was strong enough to carry the burden for those that needed him in there lives.
As if the hand life dealt him was not quite challenging enough, enter me to add to the stakes of the game. I was a melodramatic, strong spoken, rebellious teenager with a chip the size of Mt. Rushmore on my shoulder. I was dangerously independent to the point of almost closing everyone out of my life. My home life was far from the everyday troubles and trials that he had been raised in, but more along the dramatic suburban line. I was a free thinking, open minded youth in a conservative toe the line world. I was fighting my way out of a world I simply did not fit into.
Barely knowing much of my situation or about me for that matter, my hero became the most important person in my life. When I was ready to shut the door on the world of others completely, he showed me a glimmer of hope for humankind. He was a balance that I had never before experienced. Strong when I was weak, Relaxed when I was stressed, Optimistic when I was depressed, Funny when I was sad. To simply state it, he was exactly what I needed exactly when I needed it.
My hero allowed me to develop into whatever I was to become. He did not try to influence me in one way or another, but simply allowed me to take the path I needed to. He helped me up when I stumbled, and cheered the loudest at my accomplishments, but never pushed.
Even if his influence stopped there, he would be a hero in my world. But in my opinion he is a Hero for the world, so I go on.
My Hero feels he has a curse. It’s a curse that many would take off his hands at any point in time. Artistic Talent. He calls it his curse because, it is not always what he feels like doing with his life, but he feels the obligation to take advantage of what he has been given and worked so hard to develop. It is also one of those doubled edged swords, because it gives him the greatest sense of both accomplishment and failure.
My hero has a very gifted artistic talent and he has used it to benefit so very many people in so many very different ways. He has produced art work for many people in many different areas of the world, from local groups going on vacation to Little League in our hometown, he has produced artwork for every employer he has every had from the restaurant we all worked at right after high school to his infantry units with the US Army. He has worked with BIC mechanical pencils on copy paper to working on a digital tablet on high end PC workstations.
The element of his art that most impresses me, and is one of his most heroic traits, is his willingness to share it with the world. I am not referring to him sharing the product of his artistic talent, but the sharing of his knowledge. He gives himself to all that ask and are willing to learn. He has committed uncountable hours to review and critiquing others art, creating personalized tutorials, sitting one on one. He believes not only in his own talent, but in the importance of helping other artist grow and expand there own knowledge and talents. This trait runs over into most areas of his life.
My hero is always willing to watch out for the other guy; he never forgets the team and places high value in the spirit of the underdog. For as amazingly talented he is at most things he does, he couldn’t be a better team player. He is a natural born leader.
His leadership skills have never taken a more world wide impact than the time he has spent with the US Army. He is currently serving overseas with the Army on his second tour in Kuwait. He has often and is again placed in command of many younger and less experienced soldiers than himself. He has an amazing strength to carry a team and the spirit to create a bond. Those both result in an amazing team confidence and a relationship among each other that is a benefit not only to them but the hostility of their environment benefits from such team coercion. In an area where lack of team communication can set off a variety of unpleasant events, the importance of teamwork and the responsibility to lead through example could not be placed in better hands.
As he cares for his soldiers and the world wide concerns they are responsible to uphold. He still finds the time to dedicate himself as a father. My hero shines with a urethral glow when he comes to his natural love and amazing relationships with his 3 children. One might think that because his parenting example was weak, that his skills might be lacking. Reality could be nothing farther from that statement. From the outside looking in, you might think his actions were a result of overcompensation to make sure things are very different from his own childhood. As someone who knows him and sees him on an everyday level with his children, you will know it is just a natural love and nurturing spirit that leads his actions and responses to his girls.
As a man’s man, he has an uncanny ability to relate and find common ground with his 3 young girls. Give him 10 years and they might not relate on the same level, but I know that they will always be able to sense the love their father has for them. He has stated that even if it requires him showing up at their high school in a Bunny costume just to embarrass them, he will always make his presence in their lives known.
My hero is so many things to so many people all at the same time. Part of what amazes most is his ability to juggle all of the responsibility he has. The ability to shift gears, change hats and fill another role so quickly.
Hero: A person noted for feats of courage or nobility of purpose, especially one who has risked or sacrificed his or her life
My hero fits that definition in everyway. He has shown courage, lived his life with purpose and has sacrificed his life many ways at many times. I will never stop adoring, respecting, admiring and idolizing my hero. Living life in proximity to someone who has and will do such great things only inspires greatness. I have and will always be a better person because of the example set by my hero.

The battle within

As days pass I would expect the excitement to be growing, but it seems I cry more and more with each passing day. I can feel as if I am just dragging myself through one day simple to get to the next, and repeat.

I want to be happy, I fight with myself each day to try and make it so. Physical activity seems to make things a little easier to forget, so the gym has become my friend.

I have never felt so alone in the world, I have also never felt so selfish. I feel like at time my emotions have taken over and I forget the happening in the rest of the world, my own self pity takes on global importance in my mind, and the guilt of those thoughts only makes it worse.

How the hell do I pull myself out of this cycle? How do I put on the happy face and survive another day? Planning events that are supposed to be happy, makes me fear them, am I so far gone that I will not be able to recover.

Or.... will it only take that one look, that one moment for this all to seem like it never happened?

I am normally the optimist in life, it is against my character to want to admit that I can not make things better, but lately my battle within has been making me feel weak. I want to be strong, I need to regain control, if not for me than for them.

My happiness is more important to many others than just me, I wish it was that easy. I wish I could be depressed and it not really make a difference. At least then the guilt of being depressed would not follow. Why can't I wallow for awhile if it helps me through the day, is crying myself to sleep really going to matter to anyone else in the end?

I barely have it in to me to keep writing this, a confession of sorts, exposure.

Power of the Human Spirit

Spirit is one of those words that is used in multiple ways. I refer to spirit as the life force within each one of us that represents our ability to thrive and our connection to each other and the world around us.

Some people are gentle spirits, there are the wise spirits. Those that are giving and the brave and strong spirits.

I don't know if I truly believe in some cosmic forces contained within the flesh of our human forms, in some Sci-Fi manor, but I do believe that the series of emotional events and personal growth in reaction to those experience and your interactions in everyday life, create in each one of us something that is unique.

You as a person contain your own set of emotions, intellect, logic, and morals that together combine to create your personality and your character. I believe that the combination of all these things is your spirit.

On a more basic level, to put it as simply as possible, if were all blind, your spirit is what would still show. Your physical appearance gone, mannerisms gone.

I think people on many levels have given up on the power of the human spirit, that we live in a time where we only truly appreciate it in times of crisis.

On a normal day to day basis, we feel no need as a species to feed the spirits of the those around us, to nurture our own spirits or to acknowledge the spirit of people who might seem inconsequential in our lives.

An unattended spirit will wither and die, but that those acknowledge their spirit, can accept that things beyond the physicality of themselves need to be maintained as well, will thrive in live. They will be able to handle the disasters that can happen everyday. They will live life to it's fullest absorbing and growing with each passing day.

I know it sounds a little metaphysical for some of you out there, but you can not deny what I am speaking of, even if I am putting it in terms you find uncomfortable, there is something inside us, a bond between us as humans, something that keeps us fighting to live each day to see the next.

Self Acceptance

The internal battle of managing self image versus perceived image can be constant. For me it has been something that has plagued me a major portion of my life.

I have had times that were better than others, and times that were definitely worse. In the more recent months and through the process of self discovery I have tried to pin point what was a factor in changing the times that were good, why did they stop, and how did I get out of the times that were bad.

More often than not, I can track it to my level of self importance at the time. I tend to very giving in nature, and will without a thought sacrifice to do everything I can to help someone if they need it. While this is not something bad, nor would I ever have to give up that ability, I have had to learn to accept that I have to be as willing to help myself as I am other people.

When I take away the world from my picture, stop letting outside forces tell me what I am worth and what importance I have, I have to look inward for that. When faced with the inward reflection, it is clear to see what I do and don't like and that only I can change it or accept it.

Lately I have truly been trying to conquer my doubts in myself. I have always been a logical person, so I rationalize them to death, but the ability to combine the logic to the emotional side of it is much easier said than done in some cases. I have always known what is true, but accepting it has been another story.

I think I am starting to take a hold on some of my doubts and fears in myself. I know that my level of self acceptance is on the rise. My self confidence is growing and starting to reflect that strong individual I truly am. I am trying to make the way I think reflect into the way I feel and the way I live.

I hope that I am not just winning the battle, but truly winning the war. To put this issue to rest would be a blessing of tremendous proportions.

Simple truths

" The opposite of war is not peace, it's creation..."

Ever hear such a simple phrase in your life that can totally change your perspective?

Upon hearing this, I could not believe how true it felt. Sometimes one sentence can open your mind to a whole new level of understanding.

I am always grateful, for things that help me remember that life is a continuous learning process. That anywhere at anytime, we have the opportunity to learn and grow.

Be sure you are available to the world around you.

" Live your life with arms wide open...."

Idea forming in my head

They say the most successful ventures in life, spring from those things which you are naturally good at, those things which require little effort.

I have been told by a few people lately, that I have a knack, actually 2 and that I should try to combine them. While I do think the idea is viable, I am not sure.

While part of me, wants to jump right in, another parts has a fear of the embarrassment of failure or rejection.

Most people would be shocked to hear such a thing from me, I have had a hard time admitting it to myself. This venture would be very personal though, I would exposing a true part of me, and should it not succeed would be blow to me as a person, not just a business idea.

I know I have it in me, I fear not having the backing and support of those close to me, I would hate for the ones I care about to think of it as a joke, when should I pursue it, I would be very serious.

Well I am just going to have to find the spirit in me and the encouragement I pass to others. I will talk myself into it, it will just take a major leap of faith on my part.

What goes around, comes around.

Something I was taught by my mother so many years ago. That to be careful what you did, and who it hurt, because it always makes it's way back around.

One way or another this idea has always proved true, either through direct repercussions or the dreaded guilt. This idea does fall right in line with my belief in Karma, as they hold the same basic principles.

I wish there was truly someway to avoid others being hurt by personal mistakes, but it seems that the bigger the mistake the more people close to you it impacts, or that those closest take the brunt. I guess it would be said that too avoid making the mistakes in the first place is the only true way to avoid any ripples they might cause.

I don't know if it is possible to completely avoid making mistakes, to err is human. I think that we can only hope that those around us love us enough to forgive us, and that we truly learn from the mistakes made. To repeat is a mistake, means it is no longer a mistake.

To forgive and forget is also one of those phrases I heard a lot growing up. I always understood the forgive, but the forget can be so much more difficult. And I truly believe the forgetting only applies to the forgiver not the forgivee. For you to forget the forgiveness you have been extended, is to take for granted the love you have been shown. You must not forget the forgiveness, it does not show a high level of respect in my opinion.

Forgetting does not enrich the learning process. They say knowledge of where we have been, helps us to know where we are going. They say past behavior predicts future problems. They sure do say a lot don't THEY????

I believe that the process of forgiveness is a personal one. That it is harder for some than others. And that some don't forgive in the manner they should. They release the problem from outside, only to absorb it and take it on within themselves.

I have come to believe that even the hardest hurt can forgiven. I think that most people benefit from some sort of therapeutic act to aid in the process. It might be the act of releasing a balloon as a symbol of them letting the problem go, it might come down to writing a letter they never intend to send. There are many ways to find it within yourself to forgive, if you really look.

We have all made mistakes and at some point we have sought forgiveness. I hope we can all remember that feeling, of repentance and true remorse the next time we are faced to be doing the forgiving.

Always remember, What goes around, comes round. In both directions. Both the good and the bad. So think about one of the old sayings next time you are faced with a mistake to forgive, take your pick, they all tell us to forgive is a great choice, one from which we receive benefit not only give it.

What goes around comes around.
Do unto others as you'd have them do unto you.
Let he who has not sinned cast the first stone.
Love our neighbor as we love ourselves.
Our friends are those who know their own faults well enough to forgive us ours.
Practice what you preach.
There's no point in burying a hatchet if you're going to put up a marker on the site.
Without forgiveness life is governed by... an endless cycle of resentment and retaliation.
To forgive is the highest, most beautiful form of love. In return, you will receive untold peace and happiness.
Forgiveness is not an emotion, it's a decision."

Bet you thought I fell off the planet, right???

Just kidding, no one who truly knows me, will be surprised by the lapse in blogging I am frequently guilty of.

I am one of those BAD people, who gets into thing, it fades, then it rekindles itself. I have been extremely busy. Continuing my personal bettering journey and planning annual trip to E3 in May. Nothing like planning a trip for 18 across the country to kill some time.

My life has been a bit of a whirlwind lately, with so much going on, but nothing being as much as I need in the moment.

I find myself trying to keep abnormally busy, as a distraction. I have never been this long without my best friend, and he truly is a missing piece of me. Everything has become a way to pass another day and make another X on the calendar.

The girls are going through the usual growing pains, learning their limits by testing them everyday.

All in all, things are well here, will check in again soon, I am off for the night.

Sunset/ Sunrise Junkie

I just couldn't resist sharing one of my weak spots. I am a sucker for a great sunset or sunrise.These pics are 2 recent sunsets I have captured. I am in utter amazement how something that happens everyday can be so beautiful and so neglected.
How do people not stop and look when the sun puts on a show like this, it creates a variation of colors and textures as it welcomes each day and before it says goodnight.

Call me a romantic but I don't think there is any better setting than a fantastic horizon that captures a beautiful sunset or sunrise. I think that skylines can be so accentuated by the shadows of building, bushes, telephone poles before a bright beautiful display of the sun.

I am so thankful that I get so much joy from something so simple and something free, and it has the potential to happen twice a day. Nothing gets better than that.

Ringing in the New Year

Peet is Awesome!!!

I have always held a slight superstition that whoever you spent New Years with is who you would spend the next year with, that you should hold those close to you as the New Year rings in.

Well knowing this Peet waited in line to be sure he could talk to me as the New Year fell here is EST. He was on the phone with me at the clock struck 12.

I so appreciate him going out of his way to be sure that I was in whatever way I could be, was with him when the New Year came.

It's things like this that truly show how much someone loves you. When they are willing to go along with you weirdness's, just because they matter to you.

I love You Peet and can't thank you enough for that gesture.

Happy New Year everyone, I hope 2006 brings great things for everyone.

A look back and moving forward

What is it about New Years that causes such reminiscing? I guess commercialism can really have an impact on the patterns of the brain.

Looking back in the tradition I would have to say that 2005 has been one of the more eventful years so far for me.

Having Peet gone, back to the Army, not by choice, has been one of those experience that causes trauma, therefore growth in life. I really have tried in his absence to take a look at myself, good, bad and indifferent. What do I love about myself, what needs to change and what is just there and always will be?

This year has brought some experience such as finally getting to E3, something Peet and I had talked about for years. I have traveled to CA more this year than I have in sometime.

10 year high school reunion, really allowed to me to see what a growth and changes I have been through since high school. Having been with Peet since High school, sometimes it is hard to really see how much time has really gone by, and how much we have truly grown. Seeing some who had not seen my since High School, was a refreshing experience. To be able to stand proud and strong among peers who had such a grasp on my self confidence in younger days. It was a liberating experience to say the least.

2005 also allowed my to connect to some people in my life who although they had been present were not in the position they are now. Forming bonds with others is one thing I truly treasure, the experience that get banked for those interactions in my minds are priceless. Among life personal relationships are among the highest rated things to have and share in my book. Something you might have picked up previously, though not directly stated. I love finding a person that shares somethings in common, but differs on others, creates endless opportunities for conversation, one of my other favorite things.

2005 will be one of those years that never fades. Some years have been uneventful, though with Peet and I, not too many of them simply slide through, but the events and discoveries I have had this year, have been a turning point for me and those will never be forgotten.


Looking forward to 2006:
What do I hope for the year?
I hope that the people who mean the most to me, take the chances needed to bring them the happiness they deserve.
I hope that health and wealth are brought to those deserving and willing to work for them.
I hope that my children will have every opportunity to grown and learn I can provide for them.
I hope that love touches all those in my life, those without will find it one way this year, and those with love, will rekindle a flame bright and strong.
I hope that I can make a difference in one person's life in a way they never thought I could, and in a way I never expected to be of assistance.
I hope that I meet 1 person who helps me become a better person in someway.
I hope that I can share something I have learned with another.

I hope that I can find a way for 123 days to pass so I can see my husband, there is only one thing I want more than for May 3 to come and that would be for November. I can only mark one day off the calendar at a time.

Great Quote

I came across a quote while surfing today. It is by no means a work of literary excellence, but more of an eye opener to the way we live modern life. Simply written, but deeply meaning.

"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, martini in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming, "WOO HOO what a ride!"

I often feel that people live life too cautiously, afraid that they might make a mistake or ruin that perfect life in someway. I feel if you are not taking any chances ever, physically , mentally or emotionally, you can not possibly be living life to the fullest. The timid rarely experience the bountiful life the brave do.

Now not to say throw all caution to the wind, there is courage and then there is carelessness . I just think more people in the world today need to be less afraid of staying on the path, the 5 year plan, and get out there and live a little. I plan like nobodies business. But give me an exciting opportunity, might not be the "Best" idea but will offer something to experience, I might just be the first in line.

We are not meant to remain unscathed individuals, our bodies and minds are meant to grow stronger through use, that is just the way it is. We learn from our mistakes mentally, our bodies toughen with repeated injury, we emotionally grow through pain and joy.

When I die I hope that the scars tell a story of the adventures I've had, that the list of those who knew me grew with each passing year, and that my heart and mind where made useful to all those who needed.

Please, don't live your life afraid to take the next step, to try something new, for fear of pain or loss. To many writers have commented before, and I feel cliche upon cliche coming on so here I will end with just simply this.

If the most exciting thing you have done was a child, go out and do something.
If the best years of your life were High School, change that.
If you have not truly experienced love, put yourself out there.

Fear not what life holds for you, but instead fear what life you let slip by.

-Liz Cooper

In Limbo

Limbo, as in the colloquial reference, not the dance. The holding pattern status in modern English that has derived from the catholic theory of purgatory.

I feel that my days are filled and time passes, but there is no reflection of it in my life. I feel like a hamster on a wheel, that I can run and run, but there is no destination I will make it to.

I am a great project person, I love to work something until it is done and move quickly to the next task to keep up momentum. Most of my projects have been involved with in someway related to Peet, his education, career, us moving, trip to E3, all very centered around him.

It it almost like I am a agent but I have no one to manage. With Peet in the military there is no point in pursuing things because he has so long to be there still that anything would be irrelevant upon his return.

Now let me say this and get it clear so there are no misunderstandings. Yes my world revolves around Peet, but it is by choice and I enjoy it, most of the time :)

There was a point when after we had our house fire and Peet lost so much of his art, that I became the provider in our home. He needed to focus on his art and that was our priority.

By choice, with respect of his talent and for the benefit of everyone is this household. I choose long ago that Peet's talent could not be wasted, that no matter what it meant, I would do everything I could to make sure he got all the opportunities he deserved or desired.

Hell, I have his website vinyl across the back of my car. I don't think I could do much more to get people to see his art, but if you got any idead let me know.

I love Peet, but beyond that I respect that talent he has, the mind creating behind it, and the passion he has to create and produce something original in the world.

He has given me everything and I have done all I can to help him to get the places he wants to go. I will continue to do anything and everything. It is the role I play in this world. Some people design things, some people produce things, others manage things.

I am happy in my role in life and grateful that it has been provided for me, by the man I love and respect more than anyone in the world. It is not always easy and sure there are times that I feel like I have lost my individuality. But everyone is entitled to question there decisions on a bad day. When it all comes about, I cherish what I am able to provide to Peet and the satisfaction it gives me to do so. I fear the days when he is much more established, that he will have a staff to care for all these matters and I will no longer be needed.

The cycle from which my life has spun for the last 9 years or so, has been drastically changed. We were always working on the next thing, what was are next move to be, what did we need to accomplish to get there? Now all I can do it wait.

For now I cycle in limbo, awaiting the time when I shall be called again. Ready and waiting.

Saw it on a sign

Today is a gift, that's why they call it the present.

Struck me, so I thought I would share. Don't spend your life waiting for the future. Be sure to enjoy today. The day you are waiting for may never come. Worse even, by the time you get there, you might no longer want it, and only be able to see all the days you wasted trying to get there.

Life is precious, respect it.

Sacrifice

How many of you have made a conscience sacrifice in return for something which in your opinion was worth it?

How did you determine the worth of the sacrifice in relation to the reward? Would you sacrifice if the reward was dependant on someone else providing the reward or only if only involved yourself?

I always wonder how thoroughly people think through the reward vs sacrifice ratio before making a decision to give something up. There are those choices that are easier to change before made than after, especially when someone other than yourself is involved.

The seed is which this thought has grown is personal freedom. I have been trying to figure out how far down the line do people really look, when making a decision to hand personal freedoms over to the government. Do people look beyond the immediate future into the long term and what those rights in the government hands can mean for their lives later? Do people really know what they are giving up?

I can understand people being scared into compromising from fear and the longing for a feeling of security. Have people really lost their ability to look past today and see the results of the decisions we make today on the future of tomorrow?

It seems to be an inevitable process that the youth of today will be undoing the mistake made in the past?

Which brings me to if we could see the results on the future would we still make the same choices? Are the choices we make based on logic or emotion? Do we change what we thought or did we not think it through?

I hope to be able to enlighten, but not bring indecisiveness. For almost worse than making a bad decision is not making one at all. I would rather see people vote for the poor candidate than not to vote at all. Don't let things be handed to you, be sure to do all you can to have a voice.

Summary: Have an opinion, use it wisely.

Progress of the subconscious

How do certain people progress, evolve per say. Then others stay completely the same? Why do some question and other are completely content?

The issue of religion has often brought me to this question. Why did God if he exists, make it easier for some to believe than others? I being of scientific and inquisitive mind will always have a harder time believing than the more simple minded person. Those who do not by nature require explanation and proof.

The subconscious mind is thought to be responsible for the underlying thought reflected in our everyday reactions, decision making and emotions. The ability to change what lies in your subconscious, or at times to even acknowledge the very existence of it, are feats beyond most people's grasp.

How do random scientific processes explain why some evolve and grow and others remain unchanged? Is it the presence of challenge, adversity? Do we as humans only grow under terms of pressure or crisis?

Is there a scientific explanation for IQ? IQ is the measurement of your ability to learn, not what you know or are capable to learn. It is meant to actually measure the relation to others of your age range your cognitive ability. Basically how efficiently your brain performs in relation to others your age.

Subconscious can be defined as an accounting of events and aspects of events which we are not directly aware of. IQ is how effectively our brain processes functions. So how do the functions relate to one another? Are there any direct relations between IQ and subconscious health. Does genius really make you crazy? Does having an analytical nature eventually overpower your ability to function in society?

Again, questions, many will always remain unanswered, but still they are there. Anyone know where questions like this come from?

Karma

My thoughts have been racing lately regarding the idea of Karma, paying into the system per say.

I have always thought in one way or another, that in life you get what you are willing to work for, life doesn't hand you anything. But in that same breath I would also say that if you are well intentioned and good to your fellow man, the time will come when the favor is returned. That being I said I do mean well intentioned, not doing something in direct relation to expecting something back. I mean doing something for the pure kindness or compassion you can show, nothing expected.

I have been pondering lately though a variant of this issue. Peet and I are one of those miracle couples as people may put it. We are opposites but share a great love, we have endured many hard times and catastrophes together. We are both passionate so when we fight watch out, but the same passion spills into our everyday love as well.

Now how does that relate to the Karma issue, well, my thought has been this. Do Peet and I have to repeatedly have to pay into the Karma system to get in return the great love and achievement we have shared? Is it lives system of checks and balance that keeps our lives in a constant roller coaster cycle?

Our relationship went through a miraculous recovery following years of constant separation. From Peet going to the military, then to Full Sail, then onto a job that completely overworked him, we were growing apart. It was not out of loss of love on either side, but a tremendous amount of time in the same living space but not really any amount of quality time. The addition in that time of 2 girls, making 3 kids total, also distracted from the time our relationship needed, but happy ending awaits as we recovered. We pin pointed the problems and made efforts needed to correct them.

Life moves forward a few months, things are looking to be getting really good, relationship is happy, kids are doing great, Peet is looking for alternate employment and optimism is abound in our household again, life was good. Then the day comes where we received orders calling Peet back to the military in 30 days. WHOA, what happened???

Things have had that kind of path for us repeatedly in our lives together, we struggle to get somewhere, suffer through the process, get there or remarkably close, just for something to happen and life presents another challenge.

I do have to say that when life's challenges are presented, the suffering through always is worth it in the end, the rewards have always been great. It can be an extremely tiring process though. It almost seems as if life will never be smooth sailing for any amount of time with us.

Do we suffer a multitude of challenges because of our pairing, or 2 strong passionate people such as ourselves cosmically putting the system to test?

Then there is the thought that after all this time, with the few problems we have endured at that point did we become so used to facing challenges that we feel compelled to put life to the test? Do we take a dive into this situation knowing we are tough enough to endure whatever may come our way?

This is one of those questions that is not meant to have an answer, but still is worth asking in my opinion.

I would do anything for Peet, and him for me. That has been proven time and time again, and never needs to be questioned. No matter how close we have gone to the edge, we are always there to pull each up again.

All in all, we have had a pretty exciting ride. Some parts not so pleasant, but what life is always peaches and roses?

While digging for all my Christmas decorations today, I came across an unmarked box, so I opened it. Sat on the floor of my attic for the next 90 minutes pulling out little pieces of Peet's and my life. Photos, awards, old comics, drawings, card from birthdays. It was one of the best things I could have had happen to me today. It is so hard to be without Peet during the holidays, but that box helped remind me of how much joy we have had, the love that we share and made me look even more forward to our future together.

So to pull this all together, even if loving Peet means I will put to the test time and time again, I fear not. For with Peet by my side I can not, nor will not fail. We are ying and yang. Opposite with weakness alone, but complete and strong together.