Survey of Character Strengths

As part of the women's club I am a part of this year each month there is a reading , and then activities followed by a group meeting all with same theme. We have started 1st module, self discovery. Last week we got reading, this week is activities.

As part of the rediscovering myself theme, I was asked to take a character survey. The survey reveal which 5 character strengths are top of my list. My top 5.

Your Top Strength

Bravery and valor You are a courageous person who does not shrink from threat, challenge, difficulty, or pain. You speak up for what is right even if there is opposition. You act on your convictions.

Your Second Strength

Creativity, ingenuity, and originality Thinking of new ways to do things is a crucial part of who you are. You are never content with doing something the conventional way if a better way is possible.

Your Third Strength

Kindness and generosity You are kind and generous to others, and you are never too busy to do a favor. You enjoy doing good deeds for others, even if you do not know them well.

Your Fourth Strength

Love of learning You love learning new things, whether in a class or on your own. You have always loved school, reading, and museums-anywhere and everywhere there is an opportunity to learn.

Your Fifth Strength

Curiosity and interest in the world You are curious about everything. You are always asking questions, and you find all subjects and topics fascinating. You like exploration and discovery. Will be back to write more on these.

And I am?

OK, so in this effort to get to know the real me I am starting a list. This list will contain things I have not ever been really open about. I have made small efforts at things, but never really give in public before.

Some of these are really embarrassing to me, but who the heck cares. Tease me, I am grown enough to not really care.

I am ready to come out and see what is the sum of those things. What can I do to make my life one  I love living. I am so grateful for the life I have. I just want to find a way to be a happy, healthy contributing part of my community. Any advice or ideas to share with me, use comments. A lot of you have experience sections of my life. anyone who has been around awhile knows a lot about me.

1. I give more value to the opinions of others than one should allow. I rate your opinions higher my own.
2. I LOVE to research!
3. I am a Twihard.
4. I LOVE music.
5. I love checklists.
6. I enjoy art of public speaking in both performing and viewing roles.
7. I LOVE video games. I love their merchandise, their fans, their events.
8. I love to travel
9. I like conventions and trade shows, lots if them. Cars, Comics, Steampunk, health, parenting, women's, music, pop culture. Luv them all.
10. I like costuming
11. I made up my own words for cursing when my kids were little. God Bless America, frabber nabbers, fudge biscuits. 
12. I have a hard time listening to music without singing along.
13. I LOVE to write.
14. I BELIEVE in service to others. 
15. I enjoy entertainment/celebrity gossip.
16. I am very detail oriented, I see more than others
17. I am very empathetic, I am very effected by others feelings.
18. I am very competitive
19. I HATE traffic. Stop and Go kills me.
20. I LOVE to drive.
21. I like to support the underdog.
22. I am UBER connected. Unplugged sounds so strange to me.
23. I made a website about myself, to try and get hired at Riot Games.
24. I have started the long term topic blog process once each year for a few years.
25. I have a very ADDICTIVE prone personality. I can get very addicted very EASILY. 
26. I am overthinker
27. I LOVE working with small children.
28. I enjoy working with Teens in need.
29. I HATE hospitals. 
30. I am intrinsically curious.
31. I am extremely brave.

New Years

I feel too young to say that I have had a ritual for  New Year's Eve that has remained unbroken for 20 years. Peet and I both have. It make look slightly different some years, but the end result has always been the same. Peet and I always spend the strike of midnight together. Whether we are shoulder to shoulder prepping for the midnight kiss or separated by oceans and thousands of miles, we have ALWAYS been together in some capacity when the clock strikes 12.

It might not sounds significant until you realize what this has actually looked like for us at times. There have been more than a few years where it took heroic efforts to be sure this remained true.

During both Peet's deployments overseas, he has managed to wrangle himself into being in in the right place in line for the phone to be sure he is talking with me as midnight struck in my timezone,which for each deployment was different  :) The last one when 2005 changed to 2006,that night it required some bartering and squad assisance to keep our tradition.

One year, it was me who was away from Peet at home. Running a New Year's Eve event across the state. I was frantically running to get far enough from the music and noise of the crowd so I could share that moment with him.

No argument, no communications difficulty, literally nothing has prevented Peet and I since our first New Year's Eve in high school from ensuring that the New Years tradition of being together as midnight strikes brings luck to your relationship in the next year.

One year, the phone conversation we had at midnight was the first we had talked in almost a week, and it brought us back together.

So what you say, who cares?

The fact that no matter what our circumstances have been, we have been willing to make this happen each year,is a great reminder to us both. It reminds us that anything we want, that we truly desires we can achieve if we work for it. That the things we desires are worth making the effort for. We also get to see that sometimes things are easy and sometimes they are difficult, but they are still achievable.

Getting to start the New Year with not only the love of my life but also the strength and renewal this tradition holds is priceless. So to each of you and yours, I send New Year's wishes that you will realize what you want is only out of reach, if you aren't willing to work to get to it. Let 2014 be the year we all allow our dreams and efforts to achieve them result in the best year of our lives :)

Never say Never!

I met another individual yesterday who I was so comfortable around and I feel like truly understood me and could see me transparently both strengths and weaknesses and I was not at all intimidated in his presence.

Strange thing is he was able to articulate things about me, I would not have been able to say clearer if at all.

I know I sound like a total "fanboy"  but Riot truly does have some of the most amazing people I have had to get to meet working together towards a wonderful player focused based goal.

I hope that I get a chance one day to work with people as amazing as those that Riot has gathered.

Huge fistbump goes out to Riot Games!

Something amazing is happening here in Santa Monica and, holy cow, we are apart of it.
Being on the older side of the general population of game developers and families here at Riot Games means we know what game development looks like, honeymoon period is long gone this isn't our first rodeo,things are a little bit different here and we are ALL in!

Like actually, we're in!

Riot Games and it's People program are an amazing collection of treasures I as a game developer's spouse have ever seen. Not since my days as an ARMY spouse have I seen a support system that is actively been grown and strengthened. Not only is Riot creating a very special experience for our significant others in the company culture, but they have an experience for us as families too. Kids activities, Holiday celebrations, incentive opportunities, and excursions we are apart of the picture, and not like they LET us come, like they are encourage us to dig it and participate in the planning and running of family activities. They have created a portal for us to meet online and encouraged turning that online social kindling into real world friendships with local activities and meetups.

I have been apart of some very different organizations as part of my marriage to Peet Cooper, Lead Artist at Riot Games. From the small studio environment to large corporate ones each has it's pluses and minuses, you decide what matters most to you, right? Riot Games is doing it's own thing in every way and  the results of those efforts is that Riot Games as an organization is AWESOME! They don't make you choose your career over your family, they are creating a different ways to make sure item #5 on the Riot Manifesto stays true.

Riot Games is still young as a company, so things are still fluid nothing so set in stone that when needed things can be adjusted. The pace is fast and very exciting and the product makes it easy to be proud of being apart of the Riot Games community.

The front page of the company website sums it up best:

Happy Thanksgiving???

                   Many years and countless failures were all spent in my training to prepare a traditional Thanksgiving feast. The steps included in the traditional Thanksgiving included; Roasting a turkey(It should be aromatic, tender, juicy and have a crisp perfectly browned skin), hand making stuffing ( A four day process that started with cutting bread into cubes, and ends with a perfect balance of moist and dry, chewy and crunchy, and savory and sweet.) and pumpkin pies from scratch( A fresh pumpkin to begin, resulting in a butter flakey crust filled perfectly with handmade pumpkin pie filling. Baked until slightly firm and the crust sticks perfect to the edges and just browns at the very edge.) They were all just part of the lessons I went through in my family holiday meal preparation training. Little did I know the first Thanksgiving meal I would spend with my soon to be new family I was entirely unprepared for?

“Are you ready to go yet?” Patrick, my future brother in law asks. I frantically am running around grabbing things and shoving them into my purse. I am just slightly frazzled, trying to figure out how to prepare a holiday meal with only a single burner and a mini fridge. Can it be done? I ask in my head.” Almost ready.” I yell back to him. My eyes scan the room, trying to remember if there is anything else I need to grab before we go. We currently live in a one room motel room, by we I mean; Peet my boyfriend, Patrick his brother, Jackie, their Mom and Chris their Dad. Scanning the room you can see how very crowded we are. The room is about 20ftx12ft, there are 3 queen beds, 3 TV’s, one closet, 1 dresser and a mini fridge. Then there is the bathroom, which also doubles as a kitchen somewhat, it has the single burner and pan as well as the microwave. Crowded I guess was stating it mildly.

The room in my parent’s house, I left to come stay with them was half this sized and meant for only me. I had a room full of fine furniture and was not the slightest bit crowded, well at least not physically. We all make choices in life and I made mine, but it has left me in a world outside the one I know. I have gone from a world of opulence and abundance to one of necessary means.

I am fairly sure at this point I have what I need so I head out the door; being very sure I have locked it properly. Locking the door can be the difference between keeping the stuff you own and giving it away to whomever happens to try your door knob. There is absolutely no sense of community in a rundown motel where people live instead of stay a few nights.

Patrick and I head out to gather what we can for three of us to have a Thanksgiving dinner. Jackie has to work and Chris in uninterested in being part of a family meal. So it is just us three, to be honest Peet and Patrick are only going along with this to try and be nice to me, they could careless as well about Thanksgiving. I guess it can be hard in times of discontent to find things to be thankful for, but for me it is tradition. I think it is one they will appreciate; every situation has something to be thankful for.

Peet is working and we want to get things together while he is at work. I put together a list of modified items that I think I can pull off with the microwave and burner, but am still trying to figure out how to manage turkey properly.

“Wow, there are a lot of people here.” says Patrick. I say, “Welcome to grocery shopping on Thanksgiving.” Grocery shopping on Thanksgiving is never fun, especially when you are trying to buy the same things everyone else is trying to buy. “Ok, so we have a handful of items to buy and only so much $$$, let’s do this”, I mumble to myself. I have never had to combine so many restrictions into one meal, we have what I want to make, then there is what I can actually make given the available facilities and then there is what I can afford to buy and can possibly make. My head is spinning, running combinations through, my head, ranking importance of yams, to corn in comparison to macaroni and then stuffing. Patrick asks,” Are you sure this is really worth all the drama to you? We can just go to Taco Bell.”

“I appreciate your thoughtfulness, but I am sure. Can you grab the last gravy can over there?” I say. As if moving a herd of cows through mud, we make our way across the grocery store, slowly. After running all the combinations through my head and grabbing items through angry crowds, I think I am done. We head to the registers to pay. We are bombarded at the register by donation opportunities, donate to this and donate to that. We finally are walking through the sliding glass doors out of the store.

“I don’t think I will ever understand the fuss over Holiday meals.” Says Patrick,” It is just one meal.” I feel bad knowing I will be struggling to pull off this meal at all, and it will be nowhere close to what I am capable of producing given facilities and budget I could do much better, but I don’t want to point that out so I simply say,” Taking time out of the rush of life, to spend time preparing food together and then sitting around eating it together, give people a chance to enjoy one another’s company and appreciate each other’s help. I appreciate you coming with me shopping, we got to hang out and do something different.”

We get back to the motel after walking the 2 miles back from the store. We both start taking items out and trying to arrange what needs to be refrigerated in the mini fridge. We get all the ingredients sorted out, but something in my head is standing out as missing. I am unable to figure out what though.

Peet gets back from work and walks in the door, “Is the food ready?”

“I don’t know are you done cooking it?” I say back to him.

“Ha, Ha, Ha” he says. He starts looking through all the treasures we gathered at the store earlier. He looks up at me and says,” I don’t see any Turkey.”

“That’s what missing, I thought something was missing when we were putting stuff away, but couldn’t figure out what.” I state.

Peet jumps up, “Let me change and we will go get some.” I begin to panic a little though while he is getting dressed. It is now 2:00pm on Thanksgiving; most of the stores are probably closed. Patrick says he doesn’t want to go back out one trip was enough for him, but Peet talks him into joining our adventure.

We head out once again, but this time on a mission, to find turkey for Thanksgiving dinner. We head back to the area Patrick and I were in earlier but the two major grocery stores there are already closed. So we decide to try a few of the smaller markets we know around town and see if we have any luck.

3 little markets later things are not looking so good; we are not sure where to check next. We begin to start to head back home on the brink of giving up and we see a small deli, so we decide to check it out. We are luck they have turkey, well turkey lunchmeat style, it will have to do. Rejoicing in our find, Peet is skipping down the street overjoyed. I am not so sure about how a block of unsliced lunchmeat will go with Thanksgiving, but Peet is a great example of how to take pleasure in the small things. Our mission was accomplished, so we head home.

The meal prepared and partaken of that day was by no means the best I have ever had, but the day it’s self the memories and the lessons learned, make that Thanksgiving one of the more important ones I have had so far. Thanksgiving used to mean elaborate meals and decorations, that day taught me I was only opening myself up to part of the reason for the day. Experiencing Thanksgiving in the life of another social class is a wonderful opportunity to see what really matters about how you celebrate and what is just fluff. I still prepare a big elaborate meal every year, but now we invite over all the new folks or those without a place to go and we meet new people as well as bond with those we already love. That day started a new tradition changing the focus of the holiday from the meal to the people.

The Breaking Point

        “Mrs. Cooper, is that right? I am sorry but you are going to have to stay, there seems to be a problem.” My eyes and head swing in an upward motion in a smooth single glide. The target of my eyes is a doctor I do not recognize but he seems to have read my file, at least it appears so by the way he is talking to me.

After what seems like forever another nurse comes into my room. “You need to get into a gown and we are going to get you admitted.” She says as she hurries from the room. I thought something didn’t feel right, that is after all why I came into the ER in the first place, but I had no idea.

I get into the gown and crawl up into the bed they rolled up in front of the hall door. I hate hospitals. The sheet on the bed are white like they have been bleached over and over, so many times they are wearing thin. They are also cold and rough, I hesitate to slide my leg under the sheet. The lights in the hall blaze, florescent must be the most unnatural lighting ever. You never confuse the haze of fluorescent lights for the natural glow from outside.

A nurse comes by and rolls me up to labor and delivery, 3^rd floor coming up! The nurse parks me in the room and then tells me the doctor will be in to speak with me shortly, which I know means probably hours from now. Guess I will check out what is on the TV.

Funny how the angle hospital TV’s are at, forces you almost to recline, if you don’t either lie down or bring the back of the bed up, it just isn’t comfortable to watch. Almost as if they are telling you in their own little way, get comfortable you are going to be here awhile.

I look down at my phone, and think should I call him now or wait until I know more information. I don’t want to worry him and at this point in time I am not sure which will worry him less, so I start to dial.

He doesn’t answer so I have to leave a voicemail, I tell him I will call when I have more information, but all they have told me at this point is they are admitting me. Hate leaving messages with important info, but I could get dragged off for tests and not knowing when I could call again, I better tell him something now.

I try to watch TV for a while, my focus is nowhere near the television, but it is a decent distraction. Had I know I would be staying I would have brought my bag with me; it has all the magazines, Gameboy and music to listen to. I wait again what seems like hours to see someone again. They tell me they will be right with me to hook up some monitors, if I want to get up or use the restroom without machines this is my last chance for a while. I take the suggestion and go to use the restroom.

Hospital in room bathrooms look funny to me, first off they are always entirely made of tile so they are always cold. Then they have handles and pull strings, for god only knows what. Then there is the drain in the middle of the floor, something strange to me about standing in a room that is meant to be hosed down, nothing good comes to mind in thinking why they need that there, so I try to stop thinking about it entirely.

 How long ago did I call my husband, what is taking him so long I thought at the least he would call by now? I am now almost in a state of panic, I know I contain it well you could hardly tell, but I am one straw away from my back breaking.

I am currently 21, 2 weeks married, adopted with no family medical history and past 40 weeks pregnant, and I have no idea why they have kept me or what is going on? Could I get more anxious than this? I have been here for some time and nobody is telling me anything.

The next couple hours fly by, but the events relax me. My husband decides to just come over instead of calling so he is here, great to have personal company, he knows me. The monitors have been hooked up and my baby is doing fine. They are talking about inducing my labor that is time for my daughter to enter the world, my nurse tells me I am in the final hours without children that it will be soon.

The next time I see the doctor in my room he briefly goes over the plan of action, we start some meds in my IV and some on my cervix directly to get labor started, then we wait. There is no exact what of knowing how long it will take to get up to full steam baby pushing time.

In about 40 min I start to feel really crampy, the doctor checks and labor has begun, slowly but it has started. My pulse starts to race at this news, am I ready? Have I done everything I could to prepare? I am so nervous to be a new mom.

A couple hours later, nothing much has changed, so my nurse suggests we go for a walk around the hospital, see if the exercise helps things along at all. So we decide to cruise the halls for about an hour. We check out a full 3 floors worth of Hospital wall art. Funny when you are just in and out of the hospital for appointments you don’t really notice how much art there really is on the wall. I am amazed at how many artists are featured and the quality of the art at the Hospital. I am happy it is here though, I am searching for good distractions, and the pain is getting worse and more frequent.

We walk, now at a slower pace, back to my room. About 15 min go by and the Doc is in to check me, I have moved forward. Good news. He tells me that he is going to order an epidural to be readied for me, so when I am ready they can administer it if I choose, sometimes the window of able to give and unable to give is very small, so he wants to be prepared.

It has been now 4 hours since I saw my Doctor and things don’t seem to be changing. The nurse comes in a tells me she doesn’t see things changing too much that I may want to try to get some sleep while I still might be able to. I try and try to find a comfortable position and just can’t. The nurse sees my rolling around and asks me where it hurts the worst, and I show her my lower back. She comments I may be having back labor and makes notes in my file.

My eyes slowly peel open to an early morning haze; I guess I did finally fall asleep for a bit. I am not awake for even 5 min before a nurse is in the room checking vitals and taking more blood. My doctor comes in and greets me, he informs me that he is now leaving and his collogue will be taking over and he introduces her to me. She takes a check of me and talks about how I have been in labor for a while now and they would like to try to speed it along. I say whatever they think is best. She tells me she will get things ordered then and we will get things moved along.

A few minutes later in comes the nurse with a new IV solution and hooks it up. She warns me that this may go very fast to hold on and go with it; my daughter is at the end of the ride. I get nervous and a little scared, but excited that it might all be over soon as well.

30 minutes later I am screaming at my husband about how he did this to me and he should have to feel how much it hurt. I am grasping at the cold hard steel rails on my bed and tearing at the crappy hospital sheets which have tangled my feet. Needless to say I am in now finally in full blown labor.

My doctor checks my and happily reports I am almost there, just a tiny bit to go on my cervix dilation and then we are good to go to push. I am anxious, nervous and excited, all the while in huge amounts of pain, horrible to manage, a pure mess. My nurse tells me she is going to call the Anesthesiologist for my epidural that it is time.

The concept of receiving an epidural in labor sounds much more ideal than it is. You take a woman in pain that has been told to breathe in funny patterns, and then you tell her to roll into ball, hold perfectly still and hold her breath, perfect execution right? Well after we got through that, the relief from pain is almost immediate but I find it very strange that even though the pain is gone I can still feel all the pressure of the contractions. I guess I have been so focused on the pain I did not notice how much the contraction are actually pushing on me.

A couple calm hours go by chatting with my hubby, playing trivia games and such. My doctor comes back to check on me. I can tell by her face she is beginning to get concerned that I have not finished my dilation of my cervix yet. She tries to manipulate it slightly, but unsuccessfully. She then informs me that she is willing to try and let me wait another few hours but if nothing happens we are going to have to go the c-section route, which I really don’t want to do.

About 90 minutes pass, and we have made a full circle we are at the 24 hour mark for labor, at the same time my first doctor is back on shift a replaces his collogue. He though does not share her thoughts on c-section; he says we can do this natural.

He orders for me to go to the delivery room and the race is off, everyone starts to scramble a bit. My husband gets escorted off to where he scrubs for delivery. And I am on the roll again, through the hospital halls.

The next period of time moves very quickly for me. One thing after another is happening and people are coming in and out of the delivery room for a while. It seems everyone is situated and the doctor arrives, he says we are going to try our first pushes, being this is my first child I need some coaching, not exactly sure what it is I push on. After a little explanation and practice, I give a few good pushes. The doctor says he is going to scrub and be back and we are going to have a baby.

I guess I feel slightly relaxed knowing that everything seems to look fine and we are in the home stretch, at least it seems.

The doctor comes back and we start pushing, we keep going for almost 20 min. This is a lot of work to do over and over again for 20 min. We decide to take a break then we will try again. We go through this cycle 3 times. I am frustrated, crying and at a loss for words completely. What is going on, what do we do now?

After about another 30 min since the last time I tried pushing with the doctor, he returns. He tells me he wants to try a vacuum to help pull the baby out. It seems my daughter has turned herself around and her head is facing the wrong way and it just doesn’t fit so nicely as facing the other way does. So he wants to help her along.

Terrified of the notion that they are about the attach a vacuum to my new daughter head and try to pull her out of me, I try to cooperate as best  I can. Loads of pressure, and they tell me to push, so I do. No luck. We repeat this a few times and they all disappear again.

What can go worse is she really stuck? Why are we doing a c-section like the other doctor said? My thoughts are racing, but my body is exhausted from this marathon, where the ends appears nowhere in sight.

Almost fearful of his return, the doctor reemerges, with what appear to be huge salad tongs, he tells me they are called forceps and will help scoop my daughter out. These things are huge I tell you, I can’t imagine there is room for those too as well as the baby, but they seem determined to try. And try they are doing, but it seems fruitless yet again.

The doctor leaves once again, but he returns quickly this time. He says I need one person for each of my legs; they need to hold them because I am so tired. The doctor walks over to me and asks me, “Do you want to have this baby now?” I tell him of course. He tells my mom and husband to hold my legs way high and then in an instant he doctor reaches down grabs the back of my ponytails pulls my hair hard and yells at me,” Get mad and push that baby out!”

Terrified, I am pushing for my life, eyes darting from face to face, wondering if this is normal. He pulls harder and I push harder. I am actually afraid so I push for fear. 8 min later my daughter is born, it is finally over.

My juicefast Jan-to-Feb 013

Wow, I feel so different than the way I started. I have allowed myself to grow in whatever way I felt drawn, whatever felt needed. I have sought physical, mental and emotional fitness. I started see what was the root issue to things. I am not a sum of my circumstances, I am who I choose to be, so if I want to change what I see, I will have to choose to.

I have moved past so very old emotional scars, and I have allowed people old and new into my life. I have seen who I really am and was it possible and I WANT that! I am going ot do some recaps of what I captured on Facebook and add the stuff I didn't post. The other side of the Facebook page.

I am also going to be more active in my challenges. I am going to try to do things every day for 3 weeks. They say it takes 21 days to form a pattern, Let's see.

In between challenges, I will take one week off then start the next one. I have never been afraid to try something and I am much faster off the line than crossing it. So I have until the night of Valentine's Day to figure out my next challenge. I am hoping that by continuing the blog and adding my reflection on the last challenge, it will help guide me to the next one in need a the time.

Music and writing a book?

Those who know me well know I have a very very long memory. I don't forget a lot of things. One thing that is strange to me that I totally love is I can sit down listen to random shuffle from my music library and it is like a time machine. I see people, locations, I remember the feelings sometimes even smells.

Most of the people in my life has some sort of theme song to me, a song I hear that I can't help but think of them. Certain songs bring memories up so fast, it can be shocking. I love having a long memory, I get to keep so many wonderful things so close to the surface of my mind whenever I want to.

Then I started thinking, I know I take that for granted, how incredibly long my memory is, and let's face it I am not getting any younger, right? I won't always be able to pull something from 25-30 years ago in a seconds time.

I have also been incredibly lucky in life, At least I think so. I have been on some grand adventures, and come through relatively unscathed. I have tried things and gone through things and been through some stuff. Like I am sure most of you don't know another person who has had an average of  1.17 jobs and moves an average of every 8.5 months for every year they have been alive.

I love my memories and a lot of them are actually really good stories to share... so that got me thinking. i should finally start writing that book I have been told I should write a million times. I guess I never saw a really good reason, but age has created one for me.

I started my outline yesterday and was working on some title ideas. I am planning on writing it in a collection of short stories kind of way. Each chapter will be stories grouped together by a common theme, like cast or characters, major events, schools jobs, etc. Still working that out in my mind.

But I could use a little help, what events did you experience with me that you think are book worthy?

One pitfall of a super long memory is the filtering process, the sorting. I have a pretty good system of context. If I am trying to remember a particular time, I figure out what school I went to, where I lived, where I worked by dates and it helps create my then current cast and then events with them fall in after that, songs and pictures from that time after. I can go step further by looking up pop culture from that time, it adds more details and stories. So how do you pick and choose or combine to get all the best of everything, what do you leave out?

Wow it's been a long time!

Allowing 6 years to pass since my last real blog writing, has created an overload of things I want to experience again and explore for myself while sharing that monologue with whomever is reading. I want to be open for whatever you value to share with me and strong enough to make necessary changes. I am not getting any younger and I have collected so much information, it is time to sort it out and make the best use of it to inspire the best version of me; to be the most present version of me.

 We all have multiples side;, stress, fatigue, patience and many, many other factors effect how we treat each other and the things around us. The best version of ourselves is one we are very proud of, not in any sort of smug, boastful way, just really the best of each our our assets displayed all at once time. The "BEST" you.

 Then we have the good me, which few areas of our selves are not displayed with the best level. It continues until we reach the version of ourselves that has only the worst aspect of each asset displayed all at one time.The "WORST" you.

 I want to start moving areas that are closer to "WORST" back towards "BEST", so that I can be more proud of the person I am displaying.

You may wonder, where is this coming from? Why today??

I have heard things lately and in the recent past, that have all started coming together in my head that have culminated unto the moment we are now sharing.

 Today I was told I was not a good role model for my daughters in various aspects. That means something to me. I want to be better than that.

This week I spoke with a wonderful friend about the difficulty in being truly honest.

 Last Sunday, I heard a talk about purpose and are we serving our purpose? I can't really say I am, and I need to change that.

A few months ago, I was told I was not learning from my mistakes by a colleague. I have experienced a lot in the last 6 years, it is time to sort through it find what I did right and wrong, and use that information to move towards the "BEST" me.

 I welcome you to join me on my journey, I am going to try and write often and ask for feedback and help, share if you feel motivated. Had something you always wanted to tell me, ask me, or ask of me, please do.

 I am going somewhere, not quite sure where, but it is time to take the first step and follow it through to where ever it goes. Help keep me on track.

My hero

Have you ever really known someone on a personal level that amazed you in everyway? This person has been in your life for years yet you still find yourself in awe of them. I have someone in my life that is and always will be my hero, someone the world benefits from just because they are here. In more ways than one this person has shined, and the effects have been felt far and wide.
Too many people in modern day society will take a troubled childhood or a broken home and use it as an excuse for whatever failures they produce or hardships they might encounter. My hero took a stormy childhood and used it as motivation to rise above circumstances. Provided little to no moral support by his family unit, more criticism than encouragement, success was improbable for my hero in most people’s eyes. The journey for my hero is nowhere close to over, but the adventure thus far keeps me waiting with baited breath to see what the future holds.
By the time I encountered my hero in high school, he had endured more than most in a lifetime. Yet even so early off in life, the effects he had on the world around him were apparent. Each and every person close to him in his life was benefited in some way from the relationship. His influence ranged from encouragement, comedic relief, athletic challenge, confidant, all the way to scapegoat. Not all these relationships benefited him, but he was strong enough to carry the burden for those that needed him in there lives.
As if the hand life dealt him was not quite challenging enough, enter me to add to the stakes of the game. I was a melodramatic, strong spoken, rebellious teenager with a chip the size of Mt. Rushmore on my shoulder. I was dangerously independent to the point of almost closing everyone out of my life. My home life was far from the everyday troubles and trials that he had been raised in, but more along the dramatic suburban line. I was a free thinking, open minded youth in a conservative toe the line world. I was fighting my way out of a world I simply did not fit into.
Barely knowing much of my situation or about me for that matter, my hero became the most important person in my life. When I was ready to shut the door on the world of others completely, he showed me a glimmer of hope for humankind. He was a balance that I had never before experienced. Strong when I was weak, Relaxed when I was stressed, Optimistic when I was depressed, Funny when I was sad. To simply state it, he was exactly what I needed exactly when I needed it.
My hero allowed me to develop into whatever I was to become. He did not try to influence me in one way or another, but simply allowed me to take the path I needed to. He helped me up when I stumbled, and cheered the loudest at my accomplishments, but never pushed.
Even if his influence stopped there, he would be a hero in my world. But in my opinion he is a Hero for the world, so I go on.
My Hero feels he has a curse. It’s a curse that many would take off his hands at any point in time. Artistic Talent. He calls it his curse because, it is not always what he feels like doing with his life, but he feels the obligation to take advantage of what he has been given and worked so hard to develop. It is also one of those doubled edged swords, because it gives him the greatest sense of both accomplishment and failure.
My hero has a very gifted artistic talent and he has used it to benefit so very many people in so many very different ways. He has produced art work for many people in many different areas of the world, from local groups going on vacation to Little League in our hometown, he has produced artwork for every employer he has every had from the restaurant we all worked at right after high school to his infantry units with the US Army. He has worked with BIC mechanical pencils on copy paper to working on a digital tablet on high end PC workstations.
The element of his art that most impresses me, and is one of his most heroic traits, is his willingness to share it with the world. I am not referring to him sharing the product of his artistic talent, but the sharing of his knowledge. He gives himself to all that ask and are willing to learn. He has committed uncountable hours to review and critiquing others art, creating personalized tutorials, sitting one on one. He believes not only in his own talent, but in the importance of helping other artist grow and expand there own knowledge and talents. This trait runs over into most areas of his life.
My hero is always willing to watch out for the other guy; he never forgets the team and places high value in the spirit of the underdog. For as amazingly talented he is at most things he does, he couldn’t be a better team player. He is a natural born leader.
His leadership skills have never taken a more world wide impact than the time he has spent with the US Army. He is currently serving overseas with the Army on his second tour in Kuwait. He has often and is again placed in command of many younger and less experienced soldiers than himself. He has an amazing strength to carry a team and the spirit to create a bond. Those both result in an amazing team confidence and a relationship among each other that is a benefit not only to them but the hostility of their environment benefits from such team coercion. In an area where lack of team communication can set off a variety of unpleasant events, the importance of teamwork and the responsibility to lead through example could not be placed in better hands.
As he cares for his soldiers and the world wide concerns they are responsible to uphold. He still finds the time to dedicate himself as a father. My hero shines with a urethral glow when he comes to his natural love and amazing relationships with his 3 children. One might think that because his parenting example was weak, that his skills might be lacking. Reality could be nothing farther from that statement. From the outside looking in, you might think his actions were a result of overcompensation to make sure things are very different from his own childhood. As someone who knows him and sees him on an everyday level with his children, you will know it is just a natural love and nurturing spirit that leads his actions and responses to his girls.
As a man’s man, he has an uncanny ability to relate and find common ground with his 3 young girls. Give him 10 years and they might not relate on the same level, but I know that they will always be able to sense the love their father has for them. He has stated that even if it requires him showing up at their high school in a Bunny costume just to embarrass them, he will always make his presence in their lives known.
My hero is so many things to so many people all at the same time. Part of what amazes most is his ability to juggle all of the responsibility he has. The ability to shift gears, change hats and fill another role so quickly.
Hero: A person noted for feats of courage or nobility of purpose, especially one who has risked or sacrificed his or her life
My hero fits that definition in everyway. He has shown courage, lived his life with purpose and has sacrificed his life many ways at many times. I will never stop adoring, respecting, admiring and idolizing my hero. Living life in proximity to someone who has and will do such great things only inspires greatness. I have and will always be a better person because of the example set by my hero.

The battle within

As days pass I would expect the excitement to be growing, but it seems I cry more and more with each passing day. I can feel as if I am just dragging myself through one day simple to get to the next, and repeat.

I want to be happy, I fight with myself each day to try and make it so. Physical activity seems to make things a little easier to forget, so the gym has become my friend.

I have never felt so alone in the world, I have also never felt so selfish. I feel like at time my emotions have taken over and I forget the happening in the rest of the world, my own self pity takes on global importance in my mind, and the guilt of those thoughts only makes it worse.

How the hell do I pull myself out of this cycle? How do I put on the happy face and survive another day? Planning events that are supposed to be happy, makes me fear them, am I so far gone that I will not be able to recover.

Or.... will it only take that one look, that one moment for this all to seem like it never happened?

I am normally the optimist in life, it is against my character to want to admit that I can not make things better, but lately my battle within has been making me feel weak. I want to be strong, I need to regain control, if not for me than for them.

My happiness is more important to many others than just me, I wish it was that easy. I wish I could be depressed and it not really make a difference. At least then the guilt of being depressed would not follow. Why can't I wallow for awhile if it helps me through the day, is crying myself to sleep really going to matter to anyone else in the end?

I barely have it in to me to keep writing this, a confession of sorts, exposure.

Power of the Human Spirit

Spirit is one of those words that is used in multiple ways. I refer to spirit as the life force within each one of us that represents our ability to thrive and our connection to each other and the world around us.

Some people are gentle spirits, there are the wise spirits. Those that are giving and the brave and strong spirits.

I don't know if I truly believe in some cosmic forces contained within the flesh of our human forms, in some Sci-Fi manor, but I do believe that the series of emotional events and personal growth in reaction to those experience and your interactions in everyday life, create in each one of us something that is unique.

You as a person contain your own set of emotions, intellect, logic, and morals that together combine to create your personality and your character. I believe that the combination of all these things is your spirit.

On a more basic level, to put it as simply as possible, if were all blind, your spirit is what would still show. Your physical appearance gone, mannerisms gone.

I think people on many levels have given up on the power of the human spirit, that we live in a time where we only truly appreciate it in times of crisis.

On a normal day to day basis, we feel no need as a species to feed the spirits of the those around us, to nurture our own spirits or to acknowledge the spirit of people who might seem inconsequential in our lives.

An unattended spirit will wither and die, but that those acknowledge their spirit, can accept that things beyond the physicality of themselves need to be maintained as well, will thrive in live. They will be able to handle the disasters that can happen everyday. They will live life to it's fullest absorbing and growing with each passing day.

I know it sounds a little metaphysical for some of you out there, but you can not deny what I am speaking of, even if I am putting it in terms you find uncomfortable, there is something inside us, a bond between us as humans, something that keeps us fighting to live each day to see the next.

Self Acceptance

The internal battle of managing self image versus perceived image can be constant. For me it has been something that has plagued me a major portion of my life.

I have had times that were better than others, and times that were definitely worse. In the more recent months and through the process of self discovery I have tried to pin point what was a factor in changing the times that were good, why did they stop, and how did I get out of the times that were bad.

More often than not, I can track it to my level of self importance at the time. I tend to very giving in nature, and will without a thought sacrifice to do everything I can to help someone if they need it. While this is not something bad, nor would I ever have to give up that ability, I have had to learn to accept that I have to be as willing to help myself as I am other people.

When I take away the world from my picture, stop letting outside forces tell me what I am worth and what importance I have, I have to look inward for that. When faced with the inward reflection, it is clear to see what I do and don't like and that only I can change it or accept it.

Lately I have truly been trying to conquer my doubts in myself. I have always been a logical person, so I rationalize them to death, but the ability to combine the logic to the emotional side of it is much easier said than done in some cases. I have always known what is true, but accepting it has been another story.

I think I am starting to take a hold on some of my doubts and fears in myself. I know that my level of self acceptance is on the rise. My self confidence is growing and starting to reflect that strong individual I truly am. I am trying to make the way I think reflect into the way I feel and the way I live.

I hope that I am not just winning the battle, but truly winning the war. To put this issue to rest would be a blessing of tremendous proportions.

Simple truths

" The opposite of war is not peace, it's creation..."

Ever hear such a simple phrase in your life that can totally change your perspective?

Upon hearing this, I could not believe how true it felt. Sometimes one sentence can open your mind to a whole new level of understanding.

I am always grateful, for things that help me remember that life is a continuous learning process. That anywhere at anytime, we have the opportunity to learn and grow.

Be sure you are available to the world around you.

" Live your life with arms wide open...."

Idea forming in my head

They say the most successful ventures in life, spring from those things which you are naturally good at, those things which require little effort.

I have been told by a few people lately, that I have a knack, actually 2 and that I should try to combine them. While I do think the idea is viable, I am not sure.

While part of me, wants to jump right in, another parts has a fear of the embarrassment of failure or rejection.

Most people would be shocked to hear such a thing from me, I have had a hard time admitting it to myself. This venture would be very personal though, I would exposing a true part of me, and should it not succeed would be blow to me as a person, not just a business idea.

I know I have it in me, I fear not having the backing and support of those close to me, I would hate for the ones I care about to think of it as a joke, when should I pursue it, I would be very serious.

Well I am just going to have to find the spirit in me and the encouragement I pass to others. I will talk myself into it, it will just take a major leap of faith on my part.